the last supper(s)...

was sitting in the living room of a very dear friend and some of her girlfriends the other weekend, talking babies, of course.  no one can be within a 10 foot radius of me right now without talking about babies.  it's probably the large belly that proudly protrudes from my frame, which is barely recognizable at this point. so don't worry... i don't blame anyone...

regardless, each woman was telling me her tales of glory and woe on being a mother, cheering me on and encouraging me.  i sat there with my glass of ice water (no mimosa's for me!) and took mental notes from these wise ladies.  in my book... they are already heroes.  they are doing what i imagine i'll be doing in a few short weeks (t-minus 3 1/2 weeks) with gusto, and doing it brilliantly.  they've made it through the newborn phase and have successfully reared children above the age of one.  some of them have even raised TWO of them. 

Lord, have mercy.

one girl recounted her 64 hour labor process (PLEASE GOD NO!) while another talked about how her babies practically shot out of her.  they laughed and talked and smiled and boasted about their children and their husbands.  it was very inspiring.

one girlfriend of mine talked about how she was 10 days late before finally being induced.  she smiled and said, "my husband and i kept having 'last suppers' together."  we all chuckled...

and then i realized that's exactly what kjaer and i have been doing. 

well...

i've been the instigator and he has been my partner in crime... if only to avoid the wrath of a hungry pregnant woman.  but also because his wife moans about every three or four days that we need to enjoy this now before our lives totally change!!!

the other night my handsome man took me to maggiano's for a little gnocchi dish that we split.  the food was superb, but the date was divine.  i had forgotten, in the midst of our growing excitement/stress how i love to date my husband.  we sat and talked and cuddled and smiled.  it was absolutely perfect, except that we were both too full to have a little desert.  oh well, there will be other times... just not in the next couple of months i'm sure.

for lunch we visited the five star establishment of mcdonald's, which has been frequented about once a month since i started incubating a little hungry creature in the depths of my gut.  we probably visited for the last time in quite awhile, because after baby k is born, i will have to cut this monthly endeavor out of my diet.  but this is another one of those "lasts," so we went.   this time kjaer set our tray down at a booth and while he was up getting extra pickles for his burger, i slyly moved the tray to another table because i found I COULD NO LONGER FIT IN THE BOOTH.  ok... while this is a slight exaggeration, i knew the moment had come where i can no longer force myself to sit in a booth because my belly almost touches the table and it's so uncomfortable.  it was definitely a first in my lifetime... but i had to look at it from the bright side.  at least the reason i couldn't fit in the booth WASN'T because i eat too much mcdonalds.

this next weekend i'm looking forward to another incredible meal at the melting pot with one of our favorite couples.  i started to get really nervous that they were going to seat us in a booth... as in, my heart started to palpitate.  i finally called them and laughingly asked that they seat us at a table that had at least one chair.  the hostess on the other end of the phone wished me congratulations and told me they could accommodate me (and my belly) and they'd see me on friday night.

it's funny how anticipating huge life changes can cause you to go out and do some "lasts."  in reality, it's quite the dramatic overkill.  i mean, will kjaer and i frequent nice restaurants in our future?  of course!  it just feels like everything as we know it is over.  

of course, my whining has surrounded alone time with kjaer and fancy restaurants (yes, i know mcdonalds is not fancy... it's just a guilty pleasure).  now i find myself, in my spare time, making lists of places i would like to visit before our little one comes.  who knows if it'll happen, but this is the time to try.  (actually, i should have done this earlier in our pregnancy when i could still fit comfortably in a romantic, cozy booth).  

but the truth is, we will do this again.  

the reality is that lives go on... whether it is because of new life or death.  looking back to 3 years ago, when my dad passed away from cancer, i remember thinking life would never be the same.  i thought surely i would take my last breath because of the heartache.  i was sure it was the last time i was ever going to be happy.  the last time our family was whole and complete.  but those lasts weren't true.  first of all, in spite of the sorrow, i kept breathing... one day at a time.  though there is a definite hole that only my daddy can fit into, my life has been full of happiness since his passing.  and my immediate family has doubled in size with two new wonderful sister-in-laws, and five nieces and nephews! (not to mention my bliss in having a wonderful husband and pip squeak on the way). so, even though my family doesn't look the same as it did three years ago, it reflects the joy that my small family of five enjoyed before my daddy left us.  (daddy would've been so proud!)  on top of that, i've been accepted into kjaer's family... which brings more love and happiness from all angles.  

the only lasts that were permanent, were the moments spent with my sweet daddoo before he died.  and they're not really permanent.  i plan on seeing him again one day... i'll just have to wait a little longer than i would for, say, a really fancy dinner at my favorite restaurant. 

but for now... i think that even though i know these aren't really my last suppers, i'll keep milking it for all it's worth.  sometimes we just need to acknowledge those feelings of last-ness even though we know to our cores that last = we'll just have to wait awhile.  

as the clock keeps ticking, kjaer and i get more excited/nervous/anxious to meet our little one.  people throw around the ol', "enjoy your _____ while it lasts!" and we find ourselves getting annoyed... probably because we're hyper aware of the change that is about to occur and we don't need it spelled out for us.  but i think also because we know in our guts that this isn't the end of all things.

it's just the beginning.

and i can raise a glass (filled to the brim with a shirley temple) to that.

hot messiness...

the other evening, as i was standing in front of my loving husband and partner, i had a revelation of sorts.  it came when his face contorted as he stared at my baby belly, all decked out in my current favorite evening attire... a tank top, a holey gray sweater and velour pajama pants.  at first i thought he was admiring the beauty of motherhood, the miracle of how a woman can carry a living being inside of her... you know, something corny like that. 

but no... he stared, smiled a little and asked,
"how did you manage to get deodorant marks on the front of your belly?"

i tried looking at my tummy, but alas, the marks were below my line of vision (like my toes, knees, or underside of my huge belly, etc.), so i just shrugged because he and i both know the answer.  this is how i was made.  i'm a hot mess and a half.  it's a day in the life of me.  no bigs.

we had a good laugh and then i meandered off somewhere off in our house, wondering to myself just how much of a hot mess i really am.  i say this with true sincerity and humor... it's kind of something i've come to love and appreciate about myself... even if it's not perfect.  it's me and i'm ok with it.

for instance... the first time i went out and bought maternity pants, i was so relieved to be fitting into something so forgiving and relaxed.  on monday morning i was so excited to don my new attire, i felt like a new woman... no longer crammed into her old pants with a belly band.  i arrived to work, hair done, make-up pristine... even lip gloss, i never wear lip gloss.  i felt half-way decent looking.  another woman was chatting away with me.  as i turned to go about my business she called me back over to her and reached behind my leg.  RIIIIIIIPPPP!  she handed me a sticker, the big long sticker that proudly displayed the size of my pants to the world that had been running down the back of my hamstring.  ummm... yup.

but it's not just when i've been pregnant.  a couple of years ago i showed up to work with two different types of flip flops on.  a plain black one from old navy, and a fancy shiny one with glam on it on the other foot.  i didn't even notice until i was at work.  by then, it was too late and i had to work all day with little munchkins sitting at my feet asking, "mrs. K?  why are you wearing two different shoes?"  i don't know children!  your teacher is a complete airhead.  just listen to the story please and stop worrying about my feet!

once, whilst running with my running buddy and furry bff (trooper), i stepped on a stick with my left foot, which sent the other part of the stick shooting up in front of my right foot.  one second i was happily chatting with my dear friend, the next minute i was laying on the pavement... my dog looking worriedly at me as i laid there laughing. 

the best part is that not to long after that happened, i was running with my running partner and another dear friend and we were talking about said fall.  of course, my foot hit a clump of dirt and i was sent flying.  actually, it was more like i twisted my body and rolled onto my back like a turtle on its shell.  it was amazing and graceful all at once... at least in my eyes.  we laughed about it for days.

during my 2nd trimester, i got up in the middle of the night for a bathroom break.  (when am i NOT taking one of those?)  on the way back from the bathroom i tripped over my in-laws dog, who i had forgotten we were dogsitting.  fortunately, it was a gentle trip, i landed on all fours and started laughing to myself in the darkness. (don't worry, no creature... the dog or my unborn child or me, were harmed in the making of that instant) i don't even think kjaer woke up for that moment of glory.

but it's not just thrills and spills that make me this way...
 there's plenty of other little things that make me a hot mess. 

truth be told, i've always been a little like this.  even though my mother would claw anyone's eyes out who said otherwise, my elementary days were the epitome of hot messiness.  thick glasses, missing teeth, a perm with feathered sides and poofy bangs.  i was hot.  there was no denying it.  

in middle school and high school i got better at disguising my hot messiness.  but didn't most of us?  we spent (at least i did) most of the time faking our way through those years, looking as cool and pulled together as we could.  even in my later high school years, when i tried rejecting the mainstream stuff and going goth (or what i thought was goth), i was still concerned with covering up my imperfections.  i had to look like a cool non-mainstream girl who didn't care what others thought.  but i did, secretly, i did.

college was a whole new set of hot messiness.  those of you who know me, know that those aren't my most glorious years due to my own mistakes.  but nonetheless, they changed me and made me the woman i am today, so for that i'm grateful. 

as the last decade has whizzed by (i can't even believe it's been 11 years since i graduated from college) i've started going back to my roots.  you know... the little geeky girl with the perm.  and to be honest, i kind of like that deep down, i'm still her.  goofy, ditzy and just silly.  first and foremost, because it lends itself to many funny moments that keep me laughing.  secondly, it entertains those around me who love me.  i think my husband wouldn't know what to do with himself if i was perfect and pulled together.  i think he adores those moments when he shakes his head and says, of course you just did that!  and i smile back at him like, yes i did... but you married me so who's the sucker now?!?!?  

for the longest time i used to hide those pictures of myself, shameful of what people would think of nerdy monica and her weirdness.  but now i just know that it's how God made me... a little dose of sunshine with toilet paper stuck to her shoe. so laugh all you want at the hairs of mine that just won't smooth down, the piece of lettuce in my teeth; i'll be here all week... and the rest of my life... trying to embrace what makes me real and tangible.  i'm not perfect and the more i figure that out, the more i like who God made me... and thank goodness!

i mean, how else would you get a good giggle in if i didn't show
up to work with only one eyebrow penciled in?

peace and chicken grease