getting schooled...

before i became a parent...

and i mean BECAME a parent (as in Leif had come forth from my body)

i had opinions 

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allllllll sorts of 'em...

opinions about breastfeeding, cloth diapers, natural childbirth, discipline, childcare... you name it.   basically, i thought i knew how to be a parent and raise a child... before i had logged any hard time.  

you realize, that's like having opinions about how you should train for a marathon without ever having run a step.  

yup... that was me.  little miss smarty pants.  

and i'm not the only one with these strong opinions.  everyone else wears the smarty pants too... we all have opinions.  i know... because many folks expressed their approval or disapproval to many of the choices kjaer and i have made over the past 8 months of Leif's life... about choosing a nanny over daycare, cloth diapering, breastfeeding... you name it.  

but since i am now a mama... i find myself adjusting and shifting what i thought i knew... or what society had tried to convince me was the "right" way.    i'm forging my own path and finding that what works for me, may not be what worked for another fellow matriarch.  or what works for society, is not necessarily what works for us.

bear with me... because i have been chewing on this for months now... not quite sure how to put words to something so seemingly easy to understand.  

but this past week i found my perfect example... co-sleeping.

it's like a bad word when you say it within certain circles... at least i've always felt that way.  to be honest, when i was pregnant i hadn't really given it much thought.  when i'd hear other stories of people co sleeping (and the judgements that people would pass whilst telling me about them) i'd just sort of nod and agree.  

but what the heck did i know?

i figured Leif would sleep in our room in his bassinet and we'd transition him over to his own room when we were ready.  or maybe he'd sleep serenely in his crib, kjaer and i holding each other close while flipping off his light.  

after learning that there was research that indicated that sleeping within 6 feet of your child for the first 6 months of life decreased SIDS rates significantly, kjaer and i decided Leif would be sleeping in our room and that 6 months seemed like a great time to transition Leif back to his crib.  

so about a week before my due date, kjaer found a very pregnant woman in our bedroom putting together a pack and play and estimating how far it was from the bedside... because she just didn't want to be the mom with 7 feet between her and her son and have something go wrong.

then Leif was born.

i learned immediately that nothing felt better in the world than laying that baby on my chest, skin to skin.  i mean... research said it was good to do... but the minute that babe was on my chest i didn't give two craps about the research.  i was sold.  and kjaer was too, surprisingly. 

in fact, one night in the hospital i had fed Leif in the middle of the night and he had fallen asleep on my chest.  i, too, had fallen asleep.  the nurse came in and woke me... she seemed absolutely horrified.  i suppose looking back on it now, she was worried about legal ramifications, so i guess i can't blame her.  but i'm telling you that baby was going nowhere.  first of all, i was so soft and chubby, he just sunk right into me.  second of all, call it instinct.  only a parent can tell you this... but for the first 4-6 weeks, if you let them, your baby will sleep on your chest and you will be so relaxed holding them close that you, too, will fall asleep.  i apologized to the nurse, put my little man back into his bassinet next to my hospital bed and went back to sleep.  i was horrified when i woke up to feed him a few hours later and she had moved him to the nursery so that i "could get more rest."  i knew, deep down, it was because i had sinned.  i had fallen asleep with my babe on me and they weren't going to risk something dreadful happening.  i demanded he be brought back into the room with me, promising to keep him in his bassinet when i slept and saved those precious chest sleeps for our time at home.  

then we came home.  i decided the location of Leif's bassinet was on the verge of 6.25 feet away from our bed.  so every night i would scoot his pack and play against my bed.  

not next to it.

against it.  

when i'd get up to feed him in the middle of the night, i'd have to exit my bed in the most ingenious fashion and take him to the nursery.  (PS - don't tell that nurse... but we fell asleep almost every time nursing in the chair, leif strewn across a boppy pillow!  heaven forbid!)  when we'd come back i'd settle him back into his pack and play and crawl... very zombie-like... back into bed... only to wake up a few hours later to do it all over again.  after his last early morning feeding, i'd stick him in between kjaer and i and we would sleepily go in and out of consciousness in awe and disbelief.  

for the most part, he only joined us around 4 or 5 in the morning.  kjaer would leave for work and i'd keep him next to me in kjaer's spot.  i just felt like he was safer that way.  

plus, i liked it.

when i went back to work leif was sleeping from about 10 at night until 5 in the morning and we were all happily following this routine.  

it.

was.

glorious.

at 5 i'd pull him into bed with me to nurse and then get ready for work.  

but then things changed.

i like to think that maybe leif just missed me after i went back to work.  he got smart and realized that if he woke up in the middle of the night, he'd get some one on one time with mom and dad... who he missed seeing during the day.  soon, he was waking up every 2-3 hours to nurse... so upon his first awakening (10 PM) we'd just pull him into bed with us.

we all got a lot more sleep this way.  

BUT... i really struggled with this.  

not because i thought it was wrong.  i think it's because American Society has been socialized to believe that a crib is the safest place for a baby.  but when i looked at all the research i learned that co sleeping actually has more positive points than just what Kjaer and I were thinking.  i loved having Leif so near to us, nursing whenever he wanted while we both slept... yet i didn't want to be judged.  plus, i didn't want my 18 year old son to be with kjaer and i in a co sleeping situation gone horribly wrong.  

so i asked around.  it seemed like if i dug around and asked the right questions, a lot of my friends would eventually admit that their kiddo slept with them.  i think they felt like i did... a little worried about what others would think.  one of my friends was more confident with her decision to let her kids co sleep... so she became my support when i'd worry that something was wrong with us for wanting Leif to sleep in bed.  

the 6 month mile marker passed and kjaer and i were no where nearer to moving Leif to his room.  in fact, he had gone from sleeping in his bassinet most of the night... to sleeping our bed most of the night. 

and both of us didn't mind one bit.  

after talking with my friend about it, and fretting a little more... she came up with an alternative for us.  something that she did, that i think will work for our little clan.  she said over our Christmas break, to choose a day where Leif would move from his pack and play for naps and bedtime to his crib.  She said that when he woke up to nurse, I could still bring him into our room and co sleep with him until morning.  but this way, he begins to learn about his bed and Kjaer and I don't have to fight with him every night when he wakes up to nurse... plus, we still get to be next to our little babe.  

January 2nd was Leif's first day.  what a champ, I tell ya!  He was a pro. 

i'm not exactly sure what made me decide that January 2nd was the day... but that fateful morning when he was milk drunk, i laid him in his crib and he took a nap.  then... he took his second nap in his crib that afternoon.  by night time we were feeling like superstars... so we kept going.  he got up at 9 to nurse.  after he was finished i half heartedly i laid him back in his crib... secretly hoping he would wake up.  

he didn't.

in his big boy bed

when i crawled into our queen sized bed and snuggled up next to my husband, he and i laid in the dark and commiserated.  we missed him terribly.  our crowded queen sized bed (2 adults, 1 nine month old, 1 dog and 1 cat) suddenly felt so vast and empty.  we waited each other out... to see who would crack first and go get him.  i thought kjaer would crack before me... but eventually we both fell asleep.

leif stayed in his bed until almost 1 in the morning!  

and to be honest, when he cried, i was secretly happy to go get him and bring him back to our room.  absence makes the heart grow fonder... though i can't imagine growing more fond of Leif than i already am...  each day proves me wrong.  my fondness grows exponentially.

so for now, it's a compromise that i think kjaer and i can live with... a little bit of both worlds until Leif is sleeping through the night again.  when that happens, we'll reach that milestone with celebration (and probably a bit of sadness).  but truth be told, there will probably be fazes of Leif's life where he joins us again, and i think we're OK with it... in spite of what others might think.

i guess the whole point of this giant story is to say that my tune has changed.  i'm learning  (-ING being the operative part of that word) that my ideas and opinions are what works for my little family... and maybe not necessarily for another family.  we are in the early stages of learning how to function as a little kirkegaard clan... and how my handsome boys and i carve out our legacy will be different than any other family's legacy.  

i hope the fruit of this realization is that i can look at the way other parents raise their kiddos with a new found respect and less judgey-judgeness... it might work for them, just not for us.  likewise, i'll stop worrying about what others think of our parenting style and focus on what kjaer and i think is best for our little brood.  because i think i'm learning to trust the instincts that God has built into us, and tell myself each day that kjaer and i are doing a fabulous job!