daddy and I have been talking to you about this for weeks... but you just look at us nonchalantly and go about your business of being our baby. so, i'm writing a letter (that you can't even read yet) to tell you that...
you are going to love being a big brother.
you have no idea how excited daddy and i are for you. i mean, we're excited to welcome a new little love into our lives that we haven't met yet... obviously. but we are also so excited for you and your new role...
big brother.
your daddy and i are both the oldest siblings in our families and it's a role that we have carried with distinguished pride over the course of our lives. i know your daddy loves nothing more than spending time with your uncle keir and uncle keian. his fondest memories always have your uncles in them and to this day he is so proud of them and who they have become.
and i don't remember my life before my brothers. some of my earliest memories consist of when they were born. they are foggy, but they are there. i remember oma and opa saying that uncle keith had hair as red as a fire engine when he was born. and i remember opa waking me up one early morning in june and asking me what i thought of the name "grant" for your uncle grant. but i don't remember life before those two boys.
as we grew up together, they were my partners in crime. i always felt a sense of responsibility when they were with me. perhaps it was because i felt like i needed to help take care of them because they were littler. but they were also my best playmates. the neighborhood kids... they could be a little questionable. my brothers didn't know cuss words or other bad stuff my parents didn't want us to talk about... so they were always safe and fun to be around.
most of my favorite memories with them took place in our backyard or our basement... our two main stomping grounds. we would play "leaf war" and build crazy forts out of old cardboard boxes and junk your opa and oma were OK with us using. we would run around and throw leaves at each other like it was going out of style. your uncle keith would wear some camouflage pants just like an army guy with this light blue summer camp shirt. he didn't really match, but none of us cared. he was, like, the real deal. we'd put on epic christian rock concerts, too. we'd perch on top of an old door in the basement that we had unsteadily balanced on something. uncle keith would be the lights and sound tech person with an old garage lamp your opa had and a boombox. i can't remember what uncle grant's job was... i probably forced him to assist your uncle keith. i would prance around the "stage" singing my heart out as amy grant... ultra cool christian rock singer. i always made your uncle keith pretend he was michael w. smith and uncle grant i forced to be steven curtis chapman.
looking back, i suppose i could be a little bossy sometimes...
perhaps it comes with the territory...
although i don't think your daddy was that way with your uncle keian and uncle keir.
as we got older, the boys stayed playmates and i grew into a role of the "older sister." i'd watch your uncles when we got home from school... making after school snacks for them like graham crackers and frosting or spoons of peanut butter with chocolate chips scattered on top. we'd watch "disney afternoon" and sometimes i would start dinner for them... macaroni and cheese and hamburger helper were my specialties. your oma always said i did a great job of caring for them, and i've always felt a great sense of pride in this. your opa travelled over the road for weeks at a time and oma worked evenings... so often i was the one caring for them until our aunt marlene came when she was done with work. i always look back on those afternoons with fondness. we had so much fun watching cartoons together and playing in the living room. we lived in our own little bubble and we were completely happy there.
when middle and high school came, i was more concerned about myself than my brothers i suppose. i think it comes as a price with that age. of course i always loved them dearly, but i was more concerned about making friends outside of my family. and so i did. but i never stopped loving that role i had. i would drive them to and from school in my car that backfired every time i shifted from 2nd gear into 3rd and i'd listen to non-Christian radio... which was a no-no. i can't remember if they ever told on me. but they remembered that i wasn't following house rules... they just reminded me of it the other day.
when college came, they'd sometimes drive up to ft. collins to see me. i wish i had spent more time with them during that time of my life. they were growing up into young men and i was off doing my own thing. i think i was often ashamed because i was rebellious at the time. i didn't want them to figure me out for the phony i was. i probably would have spent more time with them if my heart had been in the right place with God. but i'm sure this is also pretty typical of most sibling relationships during this phase of life and i think they forgave me a long time ago for being absent so much.
after college i did something that most people don't do these days... i bought a condo with your uncle keith and we lived together. to be honest, he was the best roommate a gal could've asked for... no girl drama... well, except for mine. during that time he and i became friends. by now he towered over me by at least a foot. he'd joke and call me his "little" sister. uncle grant and i became closer too. he developed the same passion for music that i had and we'd trade mixed cd's and talk music all of the time. something was shifting in our relationship. i was no longer "the boss" (which i think i always secretly thought i was). i was becoming their friend. we were all young adults trying to figure out life together. during this time we started a decade long tradition of sunday dinners at your oma and opa's house. i'd find myself still helping oma with dinner and dishes, like when we were kids, while the boys and your opa would sit out back on the deck or watch tv. we'd laugh over ice cream smothered with magic shell and talk hours after the table had been cleared. not many families do that any more and i was so blessed to have that island of time where we were just "us" again.
after your opa died, it was incredible to watch the shift in your uncles. suddenly i felt like they were the older siblings... like twin older brothers or something. they took care of your oma and her house. they made sure that when a snowflake hit her driveway that she was shoveled out. and they also made sure to mow her lawn for her every few weeks. they did this on top of their careers and responsibilities. they had both met your aunties and were beginning to take the next step in their lives, but they never failed to step up as the men of the house for your oma. i've never been more proud. it was probably during this period of life where i realized a greater shift in our relationship too. i realized that my brothers took pride in taking care of me. they checked in on me constantly always made sure i was well cared for. it was like they were my big brothers.
to this day i take such great pride in watching your uncles as they grow older. it's so cool to watch who they have become, what they choose to do with their careers and welcome your aunties and cousins that they love so much into the family. even though we don't meet for sunday dinners as often as we used to, when we do it's lovely to see the loyal, kind and compassionate men that they have become. sometimes, after they leave, i just sit around thinking about how cool they have become and how blessed i am to be their "little" big sister.
leif, what i'm trying to say is that you will never imagine the blessing that this new brother or sister with be in your life. but one day, 33 years from now, you will look back over your childhood and young adulthood and realize that one of the most important relationships in your life was born in February of 2014. there will be times you get annoyed with him or her. there will be times they get you in trouble or say something that will make you angry. there will be arguments over new toys in the house or who gets mommy or daddy's attention. there will even be times you have to sacrifice something cool just so your little brother or sister can have it because they're younger. but those little things are far outweighed by the playtimes after school, the long hours spent in your rooms building forts and living in imaginary worlds, vacations, and spending time with me and daddy.
i just know that you are going to be an amazing big brother. you will be determined, loyal, protective, opinionated and perhaps a little bossy... a trait you inherited from your mama. but you will love him or her with passion and you will find he or she will become one of your lifelong best friends.
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so congratulations, my little one. you are a big brother... and daddy and i know you are going to a fabulous one, at that.
love,
mama
