the underpants dance...

i didn't plan on potty training this early...

in fact, i've been counting on not potty training early.

ever since leif was about 18 months i'd get the occasional, "aren't you going to potty train leif?  isn't he old enough?" and i'd smile sweetly (while scoffing internally) and say, "no, i've heard not to even try with a boy until he's 3. plus, i think having him in diapers while i'm nursing a little one is probably best because he can wait until i'm done."  

it. was. THE. perfect. plan.

i had it aaaallllLLLL worked out.

but then a funny thing started to happen.  leif would wake up with dry diapers or get on the potty every once in awhile when he was running around naked.  

hmmm, showing some signs of readiness... it's ok to let him experiment, i'd think.
and when he's 3 we'll go for it.

i'd watch other mamas try dutifully to have their kiddo out of diapers as soon as possible while i happily used our diaper sprayer to spray the tar out of toddler sh** into our toilet and think, thank God for a diaper sprayer!  i'd NEVER make it to 3 without that bad boy!

then, about a month ago i went to a consignment shop to pick up some winter clothing for leif.  i walked by the potties and thought, well, it never hurts to expose him and let him explore.  but i am NOT going to potty train him.  so i bought him a potty and a few pairs of 3T underwear... thinking he'd fit in them by the time he was 3 1/2.  never hurts to be prepared... for potty training after 3 years of age.  

he didn't even seem particularly interested in that little potty while we were at the store.  he was too busy running around playing with things he shouldn't (and perhaps certain costumes his mom dressed him up in because she couldn't help herself.)

but i brought that toilet home and BANG... he wanted his diaper off.  

awww.... how cute, i thought.  i'll let him explore.  but i am NOT potty training him. i just don't have time and besides... i'm nursing an infant right now.  it's just not convenient for me.

he went potty... everyone cheered and clapped. 

then i went to put his diaper back on and he looked me square in the face and said, "no thank you."

so i played along with his little game... dead set that i was NOT going to (did you hear me?  NOT GOING TO) potty train him until he turned 3.  

but he was obsessed.  he woke up the next morning and asked us to take his (dry) diaper off so he could go potty.  

and then he went.

and ate breakfast.

and asked to go again.  

crap!  i thought.  crap! crap! crap!

so i did a little online research and thought, well... perhaps i'll let him explore a few hours in the morning and few in the afternoon when we're home...  but i am NOT potty training him.  i'm not shoving kool-aid down his throat and locking us in the kitchen for the next 3 days.  i don't have time.  i don't want it that badly.  

by the way... i have no problem with those potty training methods that others use... kool aid and such.  i don't care if you potty train at 1 year or 3.  seriously.  i'm just lazy.  i already have to watch a wild two year old while nursing... i didn't want to run said wild two year old to the bathroom with one boob hanging out.  it's just not my style.  i am already exhausted... i don't want to be hanging topless over a potty (more than i already am) and exhausted.

plus... cleaning out poopy underwear is WAAAYYYY worse than cleaning it off of a cloth diaper.  at least cloth diapers can easily be removed without dragging the poop down his legs or it falling out with a sickening thump.  i don't know why no one has told me of the horrors of potty training... everyone has probably repressed their memories of it... because it's traumatic.  for reals.

about 5 days later i'm telling miss robbin (his daycare provider) about our exploration of the potty world.  she had me bring him some underwear just to see how he did.  he had a poop accident but did stayed dry all day.  i declared (with relief) well, he must not be ready.  that's 3 accidents in a week.  DARN!  i'll just try again when he's 3!  robbin reassured me that poop was the last to master and that i really shouldn't stop because he was ready to do this.  

but i'm not ready to do this! i told her.  

and she said (with a laugh) it's not really about you, though, is it?

.

.

.

.

sigh.  

i guess not.  but i wanted this ONE thing to be about me.  it feels as if everything in my life for the last 3 years has been about my children.  couldn't i have this one thing?

n.o.p.e.

so just in case you're wondering... my brilliant little boy potty trained himself in about a week in a half.  the other morning kjaer and i were enjoying a conversation after breakfast when we realized it was deathly quiet.  we peeked into leif's bathroom and there he was taking his morning dump.  "i had to poop!" he grunted, and then he got back to work.  

we just stared at each other.  that kid is seriously amazing.  

well, so much for me waiting until leif was 3.  he had other plans.  he potty trained himself a few weeks before he turned 2 1/2.  my co-sleeping rockstar of a son also decided he was no longer sleeping in our room (he's been in our room since he was a baby because it's the only way any of us got any sleep).  a few days into his potty training fiasco he crawled into his toddler bed and declared, "i'm sleeping here tonight" and he's been in his room ever since.  (even though i wasn't quite sure he could tackle two big milestones at once and nearly fainted from panic... he rocked it.)

you know?... in this game of motherhood i've always felt a little awkward because my choices for leif have not been what "everyone else" seems to be doing.   i'm not going to lie, i've felt a little judged... (and it could totally have been self perceived) as if people have been walking away from me laughing under their breath.  but these past several weeks have been a vindication of sorts for me.  my little rebel of a son, who has never done anything the way it's "supposed" to be done in our culture, has just proved to me that by meeting his needs (which were plentiful and high) my husband and i have developed a brave, independent little guy.  and my hope is that as these milestones keep rapidly approaching, we continue to read his signals instead of our own or everyone else's so that we can elevate him to the amazing man we know he can become.  

but i will tell you something... i am NOT going to teach him how to use the tivo remote. 

  

a woman has got to (feel needed and) have some boundaries.

(btw... i'm very proud of him and i'm excited he is potty trained.  i know all of my complaining makes me sound rather ungrateful.  he's a rockstar... and i'm his mom!  couldn't be prouder!)