"joy... and pain... like sunshine... and rain" -rob base (1988)
have you ever heard the story of how kjaer and i got engaged?this time of year always makes me think of it...
you probably want to bring the kleenex box over to your computer... consider yourself warned.
kjaer and i had been dating over 4 years by 2009. he had taken me ring shopping where i had picked out "stella" (yes, i named her when i found her) in fall of 2008... but i had no idea when he was planning on asking. for awhile, it was all i could think about. some of you gals know what i'm talking about. after a certain amount of time, we are R-E-A-D-Y... and i was there. and my father, as most daddies are, was just as anxious/obnoxious about it
.
but in february of 2009 my dad was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. so my priorities shifted... all of ours did. although i'm sure i thought about marrying kjaer a lot, i mostly remember being consumed with my dad's well being, how my mom was doing, the latest dr. reports, etc. kjaer was there through it all, loving me like a champ.
in june, my dad was hospitalized, where we learned that his cancer had metastasized... the dr's gave him 6 months to live.
i don't think the dr's even knew the end was so close... we surely didn't expect it.
my dad was sent home to hospice care where my mom and the rest of us kids spent shifts caring for him and staying up with him at night. he was in a lot of pain and drugged... so it wasn't really like having my dad there. i'm sure some of you can relate, who've been through this before. but we kept clinging to the 6 month time frame and hoping that there would be some sunlight before the shadow.
there was a brief moment in the middle of the night when the clouds of painkillers parted and my dad was there... really there. it was on a night that i had come over to stay up with my dad so that my mom could get some sleep. dad wasn't sleeping very well, so he'd lay down for about 20 minutes and then be up trying to do something. because he was on so many different medications, you had to help him move around, make sure he didn't pull his epidural out (for the pain in his spine), etc. needless to say, it wasn't for the faint of heart. the night shift was truly a night shift where you worked.
on this particular night, my dad started acting more and more like himself. he'd call me by my little nicknames (which i hadn't heard from him since he'd been hospitalized) and ask me why i didn't go to sleep on the couch. i truthfully admitted that it was because i couldn't sleep because he was up and i needed to be there with him. as the night wore one, he began to complain that he was in a lot of pain... the epidural wasn't working. (we later found out that it had somehow become dislodged from it's spot in his spine where the tumor was pushing). by morning he could barely manage. when the visiting hospice nurse came to visit, my dad asked her to please admit him to a hospice care center because he "couldn't do this to his family anymore."
shadow...
the nurse pulled us aside and told us that typically, hospice patients can often "sense" when something is about to happen. she gently divulged that chances were, he would not be returning home again.
(she was right)
it was a painful realization. i remember standing on the back porch of my parents house just sobbing... what was happening? i thought we'd had at least 6 more months.
the ambulance came to pick up my dad. as he was getting loaded on a stretcher (and probably in an effort to get me to cheer up) he stated rather matter-of-factly "what are you wearing? you look worse than i do!" and out the door they rolled him. typical dad... just typical.
i looked down at my threads... my favorite pair of ripped of jeans and one of my dad's old t-shirts that i'd stolen from his closet (a habit i'd been in since the middle school) i knew he was right. if a dying man thought i looked worse than him... well, then action needed to be taken. a girl can't be out in public looking worse than death itself!
i called kjaer in a mess of tears... less because of my outfit and more because of what was happening. he promised to meet me at the hospice center with a change of clothes within the hour.
we had just gotten my dad settled when kjaer called. he was out in the parking lot and not sure about how to get into the wing we were in. i went outside to meet him.
when i got to him i was in tears already. we hugged, i cried (i was also secretly relieved to see a change of clothes in his hands). i stepped back from kjaer and looked him full on in the face, "i didn't think it would happen this way." (don't ask me how i thought it was going to happen. death is never easy, my friends. i think i was hoping if he were going to pass, it would be peacefully in his sleep without so much pain.)
"me neither" he replied (but i later realized he wasn't talking about my dad).
sunlight...
and that's when stella made her grand appearance and kjaer said, "i love you and i just want you and your dad to know that i want to take care of you for the rest of your life."
commence the waterworks ladies... that's where everyone starts to cry when they hear the story. in fact, that's where i started to cry and kiss my man.
apparently, i forgot to say yes though.
"well...?" he asked, "are you going to marry me or what?"
we went inside to share the happy news with my parents. my dad, who was in so much pain he could hardly bear it, broke out into the biggest smile you've ever seen. i can't remember what he said when he pulled kjaer towards him to the bed, but there was nothing but complete joy on his face.
my dad died a week and half later. but in spite of all of the mind numbing drugs and pain he was in, he never forgot that his daughter was going to get married. and when my dad went to join the Lord, he knew he had left me in the capable hands of another man who loved me as crazy as he did.
it's not your typical engagement story. truly one of the most tragic events of my life is contrasted by one of the most thrilling. but i wouldn't change it... ever. one of the most beautiful parts of my life unfolded that day, in the parking lot of a hospice center.
on a side note... kjaer told me that on the contrary... when i came out into the parking lot that day with my ripped up jeans and pigtails... he couldn't have been happier. he was so nervous, but when he saw me in my "scrubby" attire (ie.- his favorite jeans) he settled down right away and knew it was meant to be. now... that's love!
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