all of the above...

about a month ago i found myself leif-less and happily wandering the aisles of party city looking for elmo decorations. i stood there debating whether i should buy the dinner napkins AND the dessert napkins since we planned on keeping it low profile this year... and then chucking them both into my basket mentally exclaiming that he only turns 1 once and besides... we are going to have a small party.

so what's a few napkins, cups and party hats?  right?

well, forty dollars later i found myself still justifying the expenditure because i still believe he only turns one once... and besides, we can use the leftovers on #2 one day.

the funny thing is it still hadn't really hit home that our little man is turning one.

i don't think it actually hit home until about a week later... when he went from taking a few drunken sailor steps between kjaer and i... to walking across a room while my back was turned.  the change came almost instantaneously.

we had been watching leif happily totter between us, the previous two weeks, while we clapped and cheered.  never once did it occur to me that the shift from this stage would be so rapid.  one night we eyeballed him carefully as he swayed back and forth between his two home bases, the next night we watched him walk from the kitchen to the living room, pausing briefly to let the dog pass.

kjaer and i basically exchanged a look that said, "well crap... that went by fast."

and the i realized that his first year has passed and the kid is sprinting into his future.

a year ago this month i was laying in a hospital bed, three sets of stitches in my guts, holding the sweetest smelling creature you could have ever met and wondering what had just happened to us.

don't get me wrong... i knew i was going to have a baby the whole time.  but when that sweet boy was laying in my arms i felt so incapable and insecure, so wild with love yet scared to death.  i wasn't really sure exactly what was down the road for us all.  all i knew was my little snow globe of life had been turned up-side-down and i was desperately trying to reorient myself to this new life we had started.

looking back, i have many sweet memories clouded by my senseless hormone laden brain.  there were some dark moments in those first few weeks too... brought on by a mild case of post-partem (it's definitely a real thing folks) and a severe lack of sleep.  i remember people cooing to me, "isn't motherhood just the most amazing thing?  isn't it so hard to picture life without him?" and staring blankly back at their (horrified) faces because i could still so clearly remember my un-responsible days before him... you know... when i used to sleep.  of course i loved him fiercely, but i was learning just how much work being a new mother was and i was totally unprepared for the initiation i got.  plus, we had issues... breastfeeding issues that took about 2 or 3 months to iron out... so on top of feeling like i was going to starve my helpless newborn babe, i was constantly stressed about things i never even knew existed before leif... like the mysterious latch and nipple shields.

those first few months were wonderful and stressful.  i'll tell you one thing, maternity leave was amazing and when i had to leave him at 3 1/2 months old to go back to work, i understood why switzerland gives its mothers a year of leave.  mama's are supposed to be with their babies.  at least THIS mama.  i can vouch for this because i have the best daycare provider/situation in the entire world (a.k.a. martha) and i still want to be with leif.  i have been brave all year as i've gone off to work every morning putting on my happy working mom face when i'd rather crawl back into bed with my warm little potato and change his diapers all day. i sometimes find myself staring over 2nd graders heads at the clock and counting hours until i can be home with my little family.

during the first few months of leif's life, he won me over every day.  the kid was irresistible.    sometimes i look back at the tiny little photos i sent kjaer from my phone (when he had to go back to work) and i realize how crazy i was about him even though i was struggling so much to find my bearings.  i would spend hours staring at him and trying to catch the right look on my phones crappy camera to share with his daddy while dressing him up in clothes that were too big for him because i couldn't wait for him to wear his brown corduroy cargo pants.  i remember kjaer returning from the outside world and feeling a little like the crazy mama's you see in the movies... hair all askew, talking about oprah... only i was talking about leif and my milk supply.  i'm sure those vows kjaer said not so long ago were scrolling through his head as he looked at this lunatic and wondered where his sweet wife went.

but then, the haze lifted.  i don't know what happened, but as i connected with my babe over the next few months it became quite obvious to me that i couldn't picture life without him anymore... i could remember it... kind of... but i didn't want it anymore.  even now those days seem so far behind me.  

now i sit here, my toddler happily sleeping upstairs, wondering where exactly all of those first few months went.  what happened to that sweet little baby who'd lay on his playmat and kick, kick, kick his legs?  or... remember when i could sit him up at a spot somewhere and he'd be there when i got back?  ahhhh.... those were the days.  the days before movement.  

i find myself staring at different pictures from a few months ago and realizing that it was taken back before he was even crawling.  and now i have a full blown walker on my hands... a mere few months later.  where did that tiny little baby go?

which leads me to the next burning question... what will he be doing 4 months from now?  

my friends, i'm new at this.  everything for me has been a little bit of dipping my toes in the water, splish-splashing a bit and then slowly wading in to ankle deep water.  i have that new mama feeling where i want to make every right decision and not just dive in and make mistakes.  don't get me wrong, i think i'm relaxed in most aspects when it comes to leif... my dearest friends and family have permission to slap me silly if i'm not... but i'm not exactly the most confident at times.  there are days when i drag myself into bed and wonder if i'll fail at this.  but most days i watch my amazing husband love on our son and see all that i've accomplished that seemed so daunting a mere 12 months ago and i think...

i've got this.

and i'll tell you why... by the grace of God, an amazing partner in crime (props to the hubs), the endless support of friends and family and one incredible, irresistible kid.  i'm sure there are many triumphs and tribulations ahead...  

but i tell you... with all of the above, we're home free.