daycare diaries...

i have officially been back to work for two days.  

dropping our babe off at daycare... the whole sha-bang.

currently, leif is taking his little evening nap before his bedtime feeding. 

kjaer and i usually spend this time running around, packing leif's bag for tomorrow, our lunches, washing my pump crap, doing dishes, doing a load of diapers... trying not to pass out from sheer exhaustion.  (we really don't know how all of YOU people have done this for years!)

then he eats around 7ish.

he goes down for another couple of hours while we wash our faces, brush our teeth and do the above mentioned things that didn't get done in our first go... which is just about everything. 

then he eats one last time.

and we go to bed.  or shall i say, we d.r.a.g. ourselves into bed.

well, actually, up until a couple of nights ago... THEN i'd go pump and wash all of that crap AGAIN.  but i crawled into bed at 11 o'clock the other night and awoke my husband to ask, "why was i supposed to pump after his last feeding again?" he couldn't remember and neither could i.  so i promptly gave THAT up... my apologies to our lactation consultant.  staying up to 11 pumping and getting up at 4:30 is going to make an unhappy professional/mamma.  

i couldn't keep going at that pace.

besides, i took a poll of my mama hero's and they agreed that this was ridiculous.  so i'm looking forward to a 10 o'clock bedtime in the near future.  (by the way, i'm thinking my lactation consultant was just telling me how to build a supply before i went back to work but i morphed it somehow into an extra pumping session... blame it on my hormones or my perfect mommy-itis... whatevs).

right now i should be doing that big list of things (which i'm sure will get less time consuming and easier over time... but currently seems to eat up any free time we have) but i wanted to update all of you on the daycare situation. 

we had found a wonderful place for leif back in may.  it was one of those places where we walked in and i immediately became attached to the person i was meeting.. martha.  i do this sometimes... get this hippy-ish, magical connection to someone.  i can't really explain it except that i think we're cut from the same cloth.  some of you became my friends this way... you walked into the room and i just knew we were friends for life.  you were stuck with me.  i remember meeting my friend jill at some bible study thing and my sister later informing me that jill told her we were going to be BFF's... so my friends do this too.   it's God's little way of reminding me He has a plan.  i think most times, when i do this, kjaer rolls his eyes and thinks oh brother, there she goes again!  but whatever, nearly every time i've been right!

so, we met martha.  

we loved her right away... well i did.  kjaer thought she'd be great for leif... but his wife LOVED her.  

we were happy that he'd be well taken care of at an affordable rate less than a mile from my school and settled in to enjoy our summer... never giving it a second thought.  we should've been suspicious though... it was all TOO perfect.  life just doesn't happen that way.   two weeks before school started, martha contacted me and told me she was going to have to close her doors to her daycare do to some unforeseen financial things.  she was heartbroken... i was heartbroken.  i prayed about it... well, more like sulked and whined to God about it... but that's considered prayer, right?

i even prayed with leif during his nighttime prayers because God HAS to answer a baby's prayers... right?

martha said she'd like to start nannying and offered us her services for a steal considering that it'll be leif and one other child.  

truly.  

a.

steal.

so, as of right now we are shopping for another family to share martha with us.  i'll keep you all posted.  i so want it to work out, however i'm really trying to see which doors open or close and keep looking up.  

BUT... last week, before we went back to work... we did a couple of practice days at daycare... more for mommy and daddy than leif.  

wednesday was his first half day.  after he got up to eat, i put him back to bed,  showered, got beautiful and woke him up to take him to daycare.  kjaer surprised me by jumping out of bed to accompany us.  he wanted to come too.  we left him there around 8 and promised to be back by 12.  

the car ride home was weird.  

quiet.  

even though leif is mostly quiet anyways.  

maybe empty is a better word.

empty.

we got in the house and it didn't feel right.  the jungle drums started beating... that's what anne lamott calls them.  it's that part of you that yearns to get back to your little one.  the drums start quietly, but are pounding before you know it.  you think you just might die if you can't get back to him in time.  

by noon i practically pushed kjaer out the door, started his car for him and strapped him in so that he would go get leif.

when he got back i snatched leif from him... probably didn't put him down for quite awhile.

his first full day was much the same.  kjaer took me on a date to help keep me distracted.  but the jungle drums were driving me MAD!  i wanted our kiddo, in my arms, STAT!!! 

i survived...

barely...

but i did.

this week was the real deal.  i had to go to work one day earlier than kjaer, so kjaer took leif to martha's.  i called him to see how everything went.  kjaer kind of sighed, "ok."  i was thinking... what happened?    did he fuss?  did he want his daddy and mommy?  did he throw himself from her (very capable) arms and wriggle himself out the front door and into your car?  

DO I NEED TO QUIT MY JOB IMMEDIATELY AND STAY HOME WITH HIM?!?!?

then kjaer said, "no... i really wanted to keep him home with me."

i could've slapped myself.  instead of asking about leif, i should have asked kjaer how HE was doing.  clearly, leif has been fine with this whole ordeal... it's the two of us who are struggling with leaving him.  and sometimes i'm a lame-wad of a wife and forget that my husband feels these things too.  

how could i have forgotten about how kjaer was feeling?

stupid

stupid 

stupid

guess what?  daddies have jungle drums too... they just don't whine and sulk about them.  (probably because they feel like if they give into their feelings then their wives, who are already acting like puppies with hurt feelings, will absolutely fall to pieces and the whole world will go mad).  

so the last two days, when my jungle drums start throbbing (sometimes in the back of my throat... that's probably what makes a mamma feel like crying) i think of me AND kjaer.  when the clock strikes 3:15 i start packing up (UNHEARD of in my past years of teaching), trot out to my car and get him from martha's...  whom i still love by the way... especially since she also thinks leif is a genius!  i rush him home... feed him... and then kjaer and i love on him until he can stand it no longer and falls asleep.  

the upside to all of this, besides leif doing brilliantly well in his new daytime environment, is i LOVE how much he misses us.  he just snuggles right up and soaks us up like a little sponge.  absence really does make the heart grow fonder... even with babies!  

so for now we're hanging tight, trusting leif to be as amazing as he is and thrive, and learning to dance to the beat of our new little jungle drum.