laboring with laughter...

this week kjaer and i had our first childbirthing class.  one of my lofty goals (i'm told by other mothers i have many in this birthing process... strictly breastfeeding, cloth diapers) is giving birth without pain medication.  this objective started before i ever got pregnant, when we watched The Business of Being Born.  (if you haven't had a chance to watch this... you should.  it's really good and the statistics will blow your mind).  after watching that documentary, i turned to my dear, sweet husband and asked him if he would be OK with me trying to give birth naturally.  i figured God created women's bodies to give birth, they have been doing it for thousands of years without drugs and are still doing it naturally in  virtually every other country in the world... so i thought i should try to as well. a couple of years later, here we are... 

but i won't preach about my beliefs... i haven't given birth yet.  and should i fail at my noble ambition, i have plenty of girlfriends who will knowingly chuckle an "i told you so..." under their breath.  so for now, i'm just educating myself as much as possible so that i know what to expect on our munchkins birth day. 

back to our first of four classes... it was this past wednesday from 6:30-9:30.  (and after working a 10 hour day... let's just say that by the end kjaer and i were both dragging).  

it was such an interesting experience.  meeting other new mothers, seeing the shapes of their bodies and noticing that i looked just like them (and not obscenely bigger like my brain had made me out to be), listening to them share.  but the highlight of the class (besides the relaxation time at the end where my husband and i got to cuddle on a mat) was our first official exercise for coping with labor. 

the women were asked to raise their arms up (like airplane wings) and hold them in place for 3 minutes.  this was to simulate the discomfort of a contraction (yes, i'm aware they will hurt more than this) since we can't make our uterus contract (and wouldn't want to at this point).  as you know, at first it seemed like cake.  but after awhile, the fatigue started to set in.  our partners' jobs were to distract us.  the idea being that during labor, the more your partner can overload your other senses and distract you, the less you will focus on the pain you are in.

i stood there, giggling awkwardly with kjaer.  we sort of had that self-concious middle school-ish feeling... like "aww man, i can't believe our teacher is making us do this."  i looked around the room... there was the couple that looked like they stepped out of a natural child birthing commercial.  he stood behind her, massaging her neck tenderly, rubbing her waist affectionately, whispering sweet nothings in her ear.  she had her eyes closed and was breathing deeply, soaking up all of the compassionate attention she was receiving.  the other couples were doing variations of these loving moves, each woman getting pampered during her "discomfort." 

i turned back to face my loving husband, gazing up into his handsome face.  i just couldn't wait for a little tenderness! i, too, wanted to soak up some love.  i'm an affection sponge.  he gave me that good-looking devilish grin and started to push my arms down, ever so tenderly.  we both started giggling.  i stepped back from him and i shot him a look that said take this seriously husband.  his eyes sparkled back, what do you think i'm doing?  i came back towards him, he smiled again... and started poking me (or should i say baby k) in the stomach.  laughter again.  "KJAER!"  i whispered through more giggles.  "WHAT?"  he whispered back with that knowing smirk.  

by now i see a couple of the other couples starting to break down out of their love-fests.  one couple is going for a walk, the wife cracking up the whole time.  another pair is facing one another laughing about something.  the perfect couple is still looking... well, perfect.  i look at them longingly and then back at my husband.

"let's go for a walk!" he exclaims... a little too excitedly, i think.  he gets behind me and starts guiding me around with his hand in my back.  i feel silly, but it's working... i'm not focused on my arms.  i start walking forward, like a cow getting poked with a prod, a little reluctantly and slowly, but i'm moving.  suddenly, his pressure on my back shifts, he grabs my waist and starts steering me around like i drunk driver.  we start swerving around, moving around the poorly placed chairs and staying in about a 4'x4' space.  i'm not whispering anymore... "husband!" i said between fits of laughter, "this is REALLY hard!"  he beams, "i'm sure it is!"

i look around.  the other two digressing couples are laughing too... though i'm not so sure i know what they're laughing about.  they start returning to their affectionate roots again, walking whilst getting massaged on the neck.  i'm not worried about that, seeing as how i can't stop looking at the perfect couple, whom i've now mentally named the "teacher's pets".  now she's facing him.  they gaze at each other lovingly.  he's talking to her and gently taking his hands up and down the sides of her waist.  she breathes through her discomfort with closed eyes and a pink, holy face. 

i look back at kjaer.  by now i've been stifling so much laughter i think i might actually start tearing up.  "WHY can't you massage me like those other couples?" i ask through a clenched grin while trying not to double up with hysterics.  i just didn't want him to have the satisfaction of me cracking under his pranks.  "oooohhhh!"  he said, like he hadn't even thought of that idea, and lifted his hands up to my neck.  

finally!!!

"TIME!" called our instructor.   i drop my arms to my side and look at my pleased, exultant husband.  he's got that killer smile that makes my knees weak and a look of sheer success on his face.  that handsome devil... how does he do it?

i looked over at the other couples... the ones who had digressed, they were laughing too, shaking their sore appendages and rubbing them tenderly.  the teacher's pets are recovering from their trying 3 minutes of discomfort.  she's smiling serenely at her husband.  good job, my love she seems to say... even better job, my sweet he eyeballs back.  she's rubbing her biceps and shoulders, they've crossed the finish line... labor is going to be a breeze.

at first i stand there, wondering why we couldn't be so loving and tender. (sometimes i can be such a "grass is greener" sort of gal)  but as i stood next to my triumphant husband... it suddenly occurred to me... while i could feel the pain in my arms, kjaer had kept me laughing and distracted so much that i was more worried about why i wasn't getting a massage, than my aching limbs.  

i stared at him in disbelief... he had done it... AND HE KNEW IT!  my husband was the champion birthing partner.  he had figured out what would truly divert the attention from my aching arms, and he had knocked it out of the park.  were medals awarded for the ultimate birthing companion, my husband would have taken gold.

i'm not sure what the arrival of baby k entails.  i don't know how bad it will hurt (couldn't God just let me feel a contraction for 30 seconds so i know what to expect?)  or how i will perform under the pressure (although, i'm thinking of it as my 4th 1/2 marathon... lots of work, painful, tiring, but rewarding).  but i will say one thing assuredly... there is nobody else i want in that delivery room more than my husband.  after all, he's my partner, my best friend, my adviser and my love... and he knows when it's time to laugh and when it's time to whip out some tenderness.  one thing is for sure... with him by my side, i think we have a good shot at giving birth without pain medication.  he and i together are unstoppable!

on a sidenote... i did tell kjaer that while laughter seemed to be the best medicine... on b-day, there will probably come a point after hours of laboring where i lose my sense of humor.  so i've instated our "secret code word of trust" that means if you don't stop there will be some serious drama.  when i utter those two words... he knows it means that it's time for nothing but praise, affection and cheerleading.... no more jokes.  but i have a feeling he'll know before me when that time will arrive.

until then, i'm looking forward to our next class... and wondering what sort of brilliant strategies my husband will continue to surprise me with during times of discomfort.