on vanity

can we just talk about body image right now?

a girls FAVORITE topic, right?

let's just say that being pregnant has messed with my idea of my body.  so be gentle with me if you feel like criticizing me for being selfish about my looks.

about 10 years ago i lost around 50 pounds.  it was an emotional and yet triumphant journey.  something i've always been rather proud of and have worked hard to maintain.  in fact, over the years i've avidly lifted weights and then taken up running, completing three 1/2 marathons and logging countless miles. 

then... i got pregnant.   actually, it started before i got pregnant.  my dr. had prescribed hormones because my body was out of whack.  i wish the pill bottle had said "estrogen = weight gain"... maybe i wouldn't have been so quick to jump on the hormone train.  so, in the midst of training for and completing a half marathon this past june, the scale started to slowly creep up.  very frustrating to a girl running 20 miles a week and following weight watchers religiously.  

ok... and now i can say it... AND THEN i got pregnant... in july.  by now i had already put on at least 10 pounds due to the hormones... which i stopped taking in june because i couldn't bear to look at the increasing numbers on the scale.   

of course, having a baby was something i was wanting.  so before all of you saintly mothers start tsk tsk-ing me... just chill out.  it's ok for a woman to mourn the loss of something that she had worked so hard to achieve.  i am so blessed to have had a healthy pregnancy, and i just can't wait to meet little baby k (and find out if it's a boy or girl!!!) but i have to admit there is another very non-maternal part of me that has been causing a bunch of ruckus in my brain for the past 8 months.  and i know, JUST KNOW, that there are other women out there who feel my pain.  i'm just the idiot that says these things out loud! 

let's put it this way... i thought that when one was with-child, that the belly grew...  nothing else... just the belly.  after all, i have watched many a friend go through pregnancy.  women of all shapes and sizes.  every time i see them i think they are so darn adorable i can hardly stand it.  in fact, seeing them made me want to be pregnant even more... i just loved those blushing cheeks and round bellies. 

but nobody told me how hard it actually was to give up your body for your little munchkin growing inside of you.  the first trimester, as i squeezed into my pants (oh yeah... and wasn't it supposed to take several months before i was in maternity clothes?  not this sister, let me tell you!) i made the decision to hire a personal trainer and weight lift through my pregnancy.  running, my true exercise love, was taking so much energy (and trust me, i tried because i was terrified of gaining weight) that i would be out for the rest of the weekend.  and by out i mean... passed out ALL weekend (or weeknight) with the sorest legs you've ever felt.  so, i hired a personal trainer and kjaer started taking me for vigorous walks.  (which, by the way, i've kept up with both, but the walks have slowed a little and aren't quite as long.) 

after about my 2nd appointment i stopped facing the scale at the dr's office every time they weighed me.  i realized this was becoming an unhealthy obsession for me.  my dr. recommended not looking at that cold hearted scale after a sob-fest in her office... where my poor husband sat in a chair with eyes as big as the moon because his wife was acting insane.  i don't think he understood what the big deal was.  in fact, he did make the mistake of watching the nurse weigh me at the appointment after that... but i think it only happened once and it won't EVER happen again.  

...poor guy!

by 2nd trimester i was praying that instead of looking like i ate a couple of Dunkin Donuts every morning, my belly would pop so that people would know i was pregnant.  yes, i'm that vain that i would even care what a stranger thought of me and my weight.   and of course, as you ladies who've been pregnant know, then there are the thoughtless remarks people make about how *big* you are getting that fan the flames.

i'm still working on forgiving a couple of people for their insensitivity.

around christmas time, my in-laws were taking pictures because the whole fam was back in town.  i dragged my feet and complained each time the camera came out.  in fact, they'd pass around the camera for everyone to approve of the most recent pic. and i wouldn't even look at it... still haven't.

so now here i am... 32 weeks and as soft and chubby as the michelin man.  it doesn't matter that i'm lifting twice a week and walking 3 days a week.  my belly is growing... which i love.  but so is everything else!!!!  i mean... i had to go up 2 sizes in underwear for crying out loud!  (which kind of makes me wonder if we're having a girl.  it seems to me that all of my friends who had boys were rail thin with a little basketball for a belly and my friends that had girls had a whole body experience... of course, i don't think any of them looked like ALL-A-DIS!)

a couple of weeks ago my husband had to go to work and i had the day off... so i decided to face the scale.   bad idea.  when i did this in my 2nd trimester i was pleasantly surprised that i hadn't gained as much weight as i had felt i had.  well... since then the scales have tipped my friends.  

all of this to say that vanity is such a cruel demon to have on your back.

i keep thinking about "the curse" in the garden of eden.  how Eve was told that because she had sinned that there would be pain in childbirth.  i'm sort of wondering if God wasn't just talking about labor (although... let's not even go there yet.  my plans for natural childbirth are hanging on by sheer avoidance of the topic for now).  i wonder if part of the curse was that a woman had to give up feeling sexy and attractive too... since that's something we women take pride in and hold onto with our dear lives. let's face it, beauty can be a painful thing to let go of.

women all around me shush me when i try talking about this.  i'm not sure if it's because they have the pregnancy blinders on (remember?  the ones where belly = adorable?)  or if they see it too but they just love me too much to agree with me and hurt my very sensitive feelings.  sometimes i feel like they pat me on the head like a child and say, "don't worry, when you breastfeed it'll come right off!"  i'm praying that's true...

after i have my little thumper, who has been kicking away happily for weeks now, i will be back to square one where i was 10 years ago.... actually even further back (is there a negative square 1?)    the thought of having to work like i did 10 years ago to get my body back AND be a good mother gets rather terrifying.  what if i can't?  or worst of all... what if i don't? 

thump, thump

but that's when i feel our baby.  happily nesting in a warm belly that feeds it, protects it and holds it close.  and i realize that i'm getting out of control.  all for the sake of vanity.  

yes, i'll have to work hard after baby k has arrived.  yes, some of you might see me and think, "woa, what happened to her?"  but i need to get over those fears and ideas and enjoy that fact that i'm a mother.  a mother who will safely bring a healthy baby into this world.  maybe i didn't do it as gracefully and beautifully as my compadres (i know some girls who taught exercise classes at their local gyms a week before their due dates and looked like they were never pregnant a week later... apparently they are not related to Eve like me!) but i did it nonetheless.  i'm a part of the sacred mom club.

a couple of months ago i saw a picture of a couple we know posted on facebook.  it was of his hands and his wifes lovely baby belly.  i sighed longingly... she was the basketball type.  thin while pregnant and looks great just weeks after having the baby.  i wistfully exclaimed to kjaer, "i wish we could have a picture like that!"  kjaer said, "i think we should!"  so... i'm doing it... tonight.  and i'm sharing it with all of you to remind you that blessings often come in the midst of personal turmoil (even if it is as shallow as weight issues).  and no matter what, the gifts we have been given far outshine the worries of our own selves.  

Baby K - 32 weeks

yes, the weight will come off.  perhaps not as quickly as i hope, but it will.  if there has been one thing i've learned from my life of experiences, it's that if i put my mind to something... well, then sally, bar the door, it's going to get done.  but more than that is that the price i'm paying will be well worth the cost. i can't wait to meet our little munchkin.  i just know that when i look into that little face for the first time, it will all make sense.  all of the whining and moaning and complaining will seem pointless and i'll finally understand what it means to let go of myself for something bigger (yet, much smaller) than i.  

rock on baby, rock on...

PS - shout out to matt and ali, who i totally stole the heart picture idea from.  fabulous idea!