my friend melissa warned me back in the day, that once you become a mother your brain turns to mush. i tried not to fret about it too much. i mean... melissa seemed like she was still my gorgeous and intelligent friend... and she's a mamma of three beautiful little girls.
she's joking, i'd think, right?
then i became pregnant.
whoa nelly!
i'd be in my classroom trying to plan out the next week of math lessons with melissa. i'd be looking everywhere for my pencil... she'd hand me one. then i would totter around looking for my planning book... which would be sitting right in front of my face. after successfully finding that i'd be looking for that one paper... you know... that one? she'd just knowingly look at me and say, "see? MUSH!"
and then leif was born and my condition worsened.
i remember one time, when leif was probably 4 or 5 weeks old, he and i brought kjaer some lunch at work. kjaer, for those of you who don't know, is also a teacher. but he works with the big, scary kids that tower over me... middle and high schoolers. i prefer to stick with the ones i'm taller than. anyways, as we walked in with leif students and colleagues alike began gathering around and talking all at once. i found myself saying "yes" a lot... pretty soon it was the only word i could say... i was like a broken record player.
them: are you doing ok?
me: yes
them: is he a boy?
me: yes
it went on and on like this.
suddenly, i heard myself answer yes without hesitation to a rhetorical question and walked away feeling like the most arrogant person.
them: isn't he's so perfect?
me: (do i even have to tell you?) yes
g.r.o.a.n.
i don't know what happened to me. i mean... i have a Master's degree for Pete's sake! i was one of the Colorado Council of Teachers of Mathematics Teacher's of the Year! i swear... this woman you see before you, nodding with glazed over eyes, she's actually not too stupid.
but you would never know.
the other day, whilst standing in the shower, i finally figured out what is happening to me.
one of those truths about having a baby is that while you are pregnant you get the most long, luxurious hair and nails of your lifetime. it's probably God's way of making something on your body benefit and look halfway decent. Lord knows the rest of you doesn't exactly feel gorgeous. but the untold truth is that after you are pregnant your hair starts falling out by the handful. i thought i knew what this meant when my girlfriends would complain about it... but i was sorely mistaken.
THE HANDFUL!
so as i was pulling oodles of hair out of my scalp, i decided that my brains are falling out along with my hair... at approximately the same rate. they must be somehow attached to the roots or something.
by the looks of the hairballs in the trash can... i'm screwed.
i used to be able to multi-task like a champ. i'd be on the phone with my mom, transferring money in our bank account, paying bills and cooking dinner. i'm talking a serious pro at multi-tasking. now when my mom talks to me on the phone i can barely look at something and talk at the same time. i find myself saying, "i'm sorry, can you repeat that?" and don't even bother talking to me if leif is fussy. you might as well be talking to a wall because i won't hear a word. all i'll be thinking about is milk, milk, milk, boobs, boobs, boobs.
this past week i was rushing about in my newest routine of trying to get leif and i out the door. i don't think i've made it to work on time once in these past three weeks. and it certainly doesn't matter what time i get up. if leif wakes me up at 4:30 to eat or 5:00 i'm still anywhere from 5-15 minutes late (although i DO think it's a crime that i have to be at work by 7:15!) so the other day i was in the throws of getting us all packed up. i was packing my pumping bag (the bane of my existence right now... don't EVEN get me started), my lunch, leif's diaper bag, my purse, my school bag. i was trying to remember my car keys, my phone, my coffee, a blanket for leif all while trying to avoid getting spit up on since i have attempted to look somewhat put-together at work (IT'S A SHAM!) i start loading up the car, make sure trooper is getting his final potty break while stealing some snuggles with leif, strap him in, set the alarm, lock up the house and jump in the car. as i start driving off to martha's i think, hmmm... what a nice cool morning... think i'll turn on the heated seats. as i do, i think, why is my butt lopsided? i reach under my derriere... and there it was... the sign of true motherhood...
...a bib was stuck to my ass.
i'm sorry, i just can't put it nicely... there's no other way to say it.
my.
a.s.s.
when i told melissa, she just nodded like i was preaching to the choir. she said, "i'm so glad it's not just me anymore and somebody else gets it! welcome to the club, mama!"
but i swear i should be the regional director of this mushy brain club. i have been saving tons of these stories of my absent mindedness for you -mentally, of course- and i've forgotten them! the only reason i remember the bib ordeal is because it JUST happened!
sometimes i have moments where i can find my old, intelligent self. for instance, right now i'm blogging, looking at facebook and importing music onto my computer. but it's short lived and i know it. leif and kjaer are asleep so these are the only moments of the day where i'm not distracted by the two loves of my life. because once they wake up, honey, it's all over for me. they don't do anything, per se. it's just that once they're up, i go into full time mushy brain mode and you won't see any resemblance of this semi-put together girl that you're talking with now. it's not until kjaer and i put leif to bed and i snuggle up next to my man on the couch when i can finally think straight again... and by then it's time for me to go to bed (or pack up for the next day).
so i give up.
i give in.
mushy brains are here to stay... at least until my hair grows back in.
and you all are just going to have to love me anyways.
PS- including this too because all of this mushy brain stuff doesn't really bug me when i see this face!
