edge of learning...

the title of today's entry probably will make my teacher friends laugh...

it's teacher lingo through and through.

it's what we talk about when we discuss our students and where we would ideally like to have them all day, every day... right at that cusp of understanding and building on something new.

God has me here right now, at my edge.

well, i've been here for awhile in many respects... learning how to be a mama, learning how to love and accept myself, learning how to control my eating... you know... basically every struggle of mine has an edge.

i have a whole lotta edges.

but let me just pause here to say that the older i've gotten (and yes, i realize i'm not THAT old yet) the more i'm beginning to enjoy my dance on the edge with God.  when i've learned to actually let Him lead me by listening in the quiet spaces of my heart, my life changes drastically for the better.  i learned this lesson in college and have relearned it in many different instances over the past 13 or so years.

He speaks and if i choose to listen... miracles unfold.

i have been schooled many a time, though the best lessons have always been in more traumatic situations... my dad's cancer diagnosis and the 6 nightmarish months until he went home are a prime example.  out of pain, came dependence on the only ONE who could get me through... and that ONE does not have flesh and bone... at least in the past couple of thousand years he hasn't.

so when i *heard* the Lord recently, i had to pause in excitement and terror.  i'm not one to turn down adventure, but i sure like to drag my feet a little.  especially if i'm not sure where we are headed.

i was standing in the shower mentally whining to God... seems like lately i haven't had as much time to focus on my spiritual life... so i've been doing a little visiting with God during my morning shower.   sadly, i even multitask with God.  fortunately, He loves me and lets me talk to Him whilst in the buff.  besides, i had some pretty emotional territory to discuss with him...  i was overcome by a feeling that i needed to be at home with Leif instead of spending an insane amount of time and energy on other peoples' kids.

i know that sounds terrible... maybe only my teacher friends will fist bump me on this one.  but my job is not only demanding because of the mandates and the low socioeconomic status of the population i work with... but it's demanding because i'm often times the only source of structure and discipline some of these kiddos get... along with the role of being their therapist, nurse, mom, protector, disciplinarian (oh yeah, and the lady who's supposed to teach them how to read and write)... you name it.  during the workday, i do it all.  and lately i had found myself wishing i could just be all of those things for my son.  i wanted to be there for his firsts, to put him down for his naps, to not feel like i was working my toosh off from 7-4, running around like a chicken with my head cut off from 4-8 after i get home from work, sitting on the couch like a dazed and confused zombie from 8-10 (if i was lucky enough to get him to sleep at a decent hour) and starting all over again the next morning at 5:30 (not to mention the 2-3 times he wakes me up to nurse in the middle of the night).  on top of it all, the weekends are not the least bit relaxing at all.  aren't they supposed to be a source of respite?  a place to recover from your long week of working your tail off?  mine were spent cleaning, doing laundry, grocery shopping and feeling totally jipped on the quality time i was supposed to be having with my husband and son.

so... i was telling God that i just wanted some sort of miracle.  that if there was just some way he could bring balance into my life... i would really appreciate it.  i laughingly asked Him (probably because I didn't really believe He would) if He could PLEASE find some way to let me be home with our baby more.

i halfheartedly asked because i didn't really believe kjaer (or God for that matter) would go for it... just because kjaer and i had some conversations early on when we were dating that had led me to believe it wasn't an option.  i also had never truly taken the idea seriously for myself. i had never really pictured myself as  the stay at home type.  plus, sometimes i act a little martyr-ish with God... oh, He'd never do something like that for little ol' me.

good thing God doesn't fall for that sort of self loathing crap.

the next night was date night... a tradition for kjaer and i since our early days of dating (even got married on date night).  we always set wednesdays aside for each other... even if the only thing that's special about it is that we don't answer the phone... it's our uninterrupted night of one-ness.  (leif has been pretty good at trying to interrupt this, but don't worry... we've been taking back the night lately!)  so, i'm making dinner and we're drinking wine and chatting (so sophisticated... aren't we?)  when out of the blue kjaer says, what would you think of going part time next year?

ha, ha, very funny God!  i thought.

but then i realized...
this is God's answer to you, dummy.  You asked for a sign... and sister, He just gave it to you.  

if i could've actually raised only one eyebrow at kjaer (a favorite facial expression of kjaer's that he does to me routinely)... this is where it would've happen as i replied, "what do you think about it?"

what i was really asking is... is this a trick question???  i mean... i hadn't expressed any of those feelings i had been praying about to kjaer yet, as they were a newer development in me.  how could he know what i had been praying about during my shower/prayer session?  i took this not only as an answer... but a call to change directions in my life... a sign.

and the path to where i am today began to appear.  this is what happens when you watch and listen for signs and then move your toosh.  doors start flying open.  

actually, at first it felt like too many doors were flying open and slamming shut.   at one point i told my mom it was like having different dinner plates getting cracked over the top of my head and trying to sort through the chaos and figure out what belonged with what.  i felt like holding a poster board up to the heavens that said, 

what. 

the. 

heck?

but instead of the poster, i found it best just to say those things to God aloud, because He'll make sure to get you where you're supposed to be going if you keep asking.

which is why i audibly said to Him... more than once...
what.the.heck?

now that i think about it... i'm probably just as annoying as that kid in my class... and there's one every year.... who worries that you won't get them to whatever activity they're really looking forward to... lunch, art, their turn on the computer.  i always respond with, "have i ever not gotten you to lunch before?  trust me... i'll get you there."

that's probably what God says to me.  and i probably shrug him off like that kid in my class and ask again 5 minutes later...

what.the.heck?

anyways....

i kept grasping to the sign and telling God he needed to be a little more like mapquest and a little less like a crossword puzzle.  there were a lot of part time jobs available, but none had a schedule that matched what we could feasibly do.  we couldn't find or afford 5 day a week care... even if it was just 5 half days.  i had just about given up.  in fact, i shouldn't even say "just about"... i did give up.  when a door i was peering into closed, i tucked my tail between my legs and gave up.

i would lay in bed at night and say to kjaer, "i really thought that's where HE was leading me... i'm so confused."

(and then i would say, rather sadly and pitifully to God... what.the.heck?)

in case you haven't figured out by now, i can be pretty persistant with Him... which leads me to my next point... if you feel like God is leading you somewhere and the pathway is unclear DO NOT EXPECT HIM TO WORK IN YOUR TIMEFRAME.  his plan is always better and you just can't give up talking to him about it (unless He tells you to, and then i'd suggest shutting the heck up!)

two weeks ago my principal pulled me into her office and told me to think "creatively" about part a time teaching position.  it didn't have to look the traditional way... half days, 5 days a week.  

and thus, my new position was born.  i'm sharing a room with another fabulous teacher.  i'm teaching math and science 2 full days and a half day a week... she takes the literacy load.  best of all... the grandma's can cover the 1/2 day of work with leif so we only need to find childcare 2 days a week.

we're still working on the childcare facet of this new path... but i'm trusting that because God told us to jump... and we did... that He'll provide.  it might not be in our comfort zone... which would be to keep martha for forever... but it'll be His plan... which is always best.

once i accepted the position, i felt like the puzzle piece that was missing for so long just fit snugly into place.  i find myself walking around and whispering thank you throughout the day to the big man upstairs.  He didn't have to work in mysterious ways... but he did.  and for that, i'm so grateful.

so bring on the 4 FULL days a week of our brilliant baby boy.  extra full days of laughter, love, diapers, grumpiness, keeping house, making dinner for the hubs, naps, sesame street, hugs and kisses.  bring on two extra days a week of our sons early childhood and his mama being present for it.  

what a gift.  

seriously.

(my heart is screaming thank you God!)

it does come with some financial sacrifice (i still send myself into a tailspin when i think about 401K's, retirement, saving for college, etc.) but then i hear my friend karen happily reminding me in her best tough voice...

take it to Jesus!!!!

and so,
because he whispered to me, and i answered, i have to trust that He knew what he was talking about.  

it also comes with some personal sacrifice...   for instance, the unthinkable is happening; we're turning off cable.

someone hand me a paper bag please!!!

but once i remember the benefit, i stop whining about not knowing what's going on with the kardashian sisters.  because i'd much rather know what's going on with leif and his siblings. 

so if God has led you to an edge, my friends.,,  if you're standing there, like me, with your little toes wiggling over the edge...  i dare you to jump.

jump for all it's worth.
jump with faith... even if it's the tiniest bit.

  because we can never move forward to new places, amazing paths, if we don't take a chance.  hold up your big signs to the heavens that say,  

I'm Scared

Help Me Do This

I Can't Do It on My Own

What.The.Heck

and He'll move.  His direction might surprise you... His ideas might freak you out.  but, i swear, they are always better than ours.  and because he loves you, he will see you (shakin' in your boots) through.

and when He does... don't forget to put down those old signs,
throw your arms up into the warm sunshine and sing,

thank you! thank you! thank you!