up high, down low...

awhile ago i told leif's birth story and eluded to a funny moment that happened while were were in the throws of my c-section.  as i've begun to mentally prepare for our second little love, i've been reflecting a lot on the birth of our first little love.

the other day i suddenly remembered a moment that made me smile so big... i just had to share it with you.

...but first i had to ask kjaer's permission.

it involves him.

and usually, i do this kind of embarrassing stuff.

so... without further adieu... because i got the green light...

about 15 minutes before leif came into this world, i was sitting terrified on a metal surgical table getting ready to receive my epidural.  inside i was feeling like a huge baby (not to be confused with having an actual real, HUGE baby inside of me) but on the outside i was basically dead quiet and wide-eyed. now, i'm not bragging or anything... but i didn't jump off of the surgical table, tuck my hospital gown around me and run out of the room screaming, "YOU CAN'T MAKE ME DO THIS!!!" even though that's totally what my brain wanted me to do.  i was already so conflicted.  i had wanted to have a natural, drug free childbirth but my doctor had basically said that once i went past 10 days of being overdue, i'd have to find someone else if i didn't take any action because the risks were just too high.  so my doctor, kjaer and i made the decision that if i wasn't in labor by day10... a scheduled c-section it would be on day 11.  (she had already told me that if she had induced me... which i didn't want anyway... i would have had an 85% chance of an emergency c-section... recovering from labor AND surgery?  no thanks!).

but once my giant, pregnant butt cheeks were on that cold table, i was seriously fighting the decision to have major abdominal surgery.  the only time i've ever undergone the knife was having my wisdom teeth removed.  so i'm not really experienced in this whole leaving-my-life-in-someone-else's-hands field.  i was shivering because of the fluids they were pumping into me and kjaer was probably starting to sense that his wife was about to go feral on everyone in there.

and can we just pause here to talk about how God has blessed me with a man who compliments me so well?  sometimes (though he would probably say more often than not), i can get a little stressed out.  the symptoms include my vocal volume increasing to the point of nearly shouting, rigid muscles and shifty eyes.  the day we got married, i was sent down the aisle too soon.  this would have been ok, except that i had a song playing in remembrance of my dad (it was originally supposed to be our father-daughter dance song) and had to stand up there facing kjaer and listen to the words, all the while wishing my dad had been the one walking me down the aisle and thinking about how we were supposed to be dancing to this song on this particular day.  i started to tear up and shake and kjaer read the moment perfectly.  he stared right into my eyes and started wiggling his nose at me, thereby saving the day.  i immediately calmed down, smiled and remembered how blessed i was to have a man who could read me so well... and though i had some tears in those eyes, they went from sadness to joy.

so... like i said... kjaer started to see the signs.

the anesthesiologist, Dr. Morris, was behind me, prepping me for the epidural (which, of course i'd heard horror stories about people still feeling the surgery because it was placed wrong, and my mother the nurse doesn't help with these stories because she HATES most anesthesiologists and has to deal with their messed up leftovers, etc.) kjaer stood in front of me as i sat on that table and pulled my arms up around his neck.  and then he just put his forehead against mine and began whispering to me in that low, sweet voice of his about our new baby and how i was going to be ok.  all the while, Dr. Morris was readying me for the moment of truth, commenting on how he loved when he saw the new dad's with the mom's and how awesome kjaer was.  right at that moment, the dr. put his hand out next to my body, as if to give kjaer a high five.

so naturally, kjaer gave the doctor a high five back.

silence.

Dr. Morris's hand comes up next to me again.

kjaer high fives him again and looks at me like, dude, what is up with this guy.

third and final time... the doctor's hand comes up and he says... "now monica, your back is straight like this (high five hand) but i need for you to curve it like this (curves his hand)."

kjaer puts his forehead back on mine and quietly whispered... while we both tried not to laugh too loud... "dude... i just totally high fived him... twice!"

and immediately my animal instincts stopped with the fight and flight junk, and i was ready to have my baby with my crazy, lovable husband.  and even though i was still scared to death, i knew i had a man who wasn't going to leave me...

a few minutes later, kjaer was happily announcing to me that we had a boy with his winning, handsome smile and laying leif on my chest to meet me.

the beauty of this is two fold.

one... i love how kjaer demonstrated such tenderness in a moment where i really questioned whether i would survive.  i mean... i knew the odds were that i would... but honestly, i was terrified i'd be one of those whacky c-section stories that you hear about from time to time.  he was my cool cucumber.

second... i love that we could still laugh when i know that at that moment we were both so scared.  scared of c-sections, scared of what being a parent was going to be like... just scared.  it seems like sometimes when we need those moments... God sends them to lighten the mood and remind us to take a breath, relax and enjoy our lives.

so while i'm hoping i can do a VBAC for round two... if i can't and have to undergo a scary c-section again, i'll be holding that man of mines neck again, shivering with fear but laughing on the inside as i remember the time my cool cucumber high fived the anesthesiologist!

all of the above...

about a month ago i found myself leif-less and happily wandering the aisles of party city looking for elmo decorations. i stood there debating whether i should buy the dinner napkins AND the dessert napkins since we planned on keeping it low profile this year... and then chucking them both into my basket mentally exclaiming that he only turns 1 once and besides... we are going to have a small party.

so what's a few napkins, cups and party hats?  right?

well, forty dollars later i found myself still justifying the expenditure because i still believe he only turns one once... and besides, we can use the leftovers on #2 one day.

the funny thing is it still hadn't really hit home that our little man is turning one.

i don't think it actually hit home until about a week later... when he went from taking a few drunken sailor steps between kjaer and i... to walking across a room while my back was turned.  the change came almost instantaneously.

we had been watching leif happily totter between us, the previous two weeks, while we clapped and cheered.  never once did it occur to me that the shift from this stage would be so rapid.  one night we eyeballed him carefully as he swayed back and forth between his two home bases, the next night we watched him walk from the kitchen to the living room, pausing briefly to let the dog pass.

kjaer and i basically exchanged a look that said, "well crap... that went by fast."

and the i realized that his first year has passed and the kid is sprinting into his future.

a year ago this month i was laying in a hospital bed, three sets of stitches in my guts, holding the sweetest smelling creature you could have ever met and wondering what had just happened to us.

don't get me wrong... i knew i was going to have a baby the whole time.  but when that sweet boy was laying in my arms i felt so incapable and insecure, so wild with love yet scared to death.  i wasn't really sure exactly what was down the road for us all.  all i knew was my little snow globe of life had been turned up-side-down and i was desperately trying to reorient myself to this new life we had started.

looking back, i have many sweet memories clouded by my senseless hormone laden brain.  there were some dark moments in those first few weeks too... brought on by a mild case of post-partem (it's definitely a real thing folks) and a severe lack of sleep.  i remember people cooing to me, "isn't motherhood just the most amazing thing?  isn't it so hard to picture life without him?" and staring blankly back at their (horrified) faces because i could still so clearly remember my un-responsible days before him... you know... when i used to sleep.  of course i loved him fiercely, but i was learning just how much work being a new mother was and i was totally unprepared for the initiation i got.  plus, we had issues... breastfeeding issues that took about 2 or 3 months to iron out... so on top of feeling like i was going to starve my helpless newborn babe, i was constantly stressed about things i never even knew existed before leif... like the mysterious latch and nipple shields.

those first few months were wonderful and stressful.  i'll tell you one thing, maternity leave was amazing and when i had to leave him at 3 1/2 months old to go back to work, i understood why switzerland gives its mothers a year of leave.  mama's are supposed to be with their babies.  at least THIS mama.  i can vouch for this because i have the best daycare provider/situation in the entire world (a.k.a. martha) and i still want to be with leif.  i have been brave all year as i've gone off to work every morning putting on my happy working mom face when i'd rather crawl back into bed with my warm little potato and change his diapers all day. i sometimes find myself staring over 2nd graders heads at the clock and counting hours until i can be home with my little family.

during the first few months of leif's life, he won me over every day.  the kid was irresistible.    sometimes i look back at the tiny little photos i sent kjaer from my phone (when he had to go back to work) and i realize how crazy i was about him even though i was struggling so much to find my bearings.  i would spend hours staring at him and trying to catch the right look on my phones crappy camera to share with his daddy while dressing him up in clothes that were too big for him because i couldn't wait for him to wear his brown corduroy cargo pants.  i remember kjaer returning from the outside world and feeling a little like the crazy mama's you see in the movies... hair all askew, talking about oprah... only i was talking about leif and my milk supply.  i'm sure those vows kjaer said not so long ago were scrolling through his head as he looked at this lunatic and wondered where his sweet wife went.

but then, the haze lifted.  i don't know what happened, but as i connected with my babe over the next few months it became quite obvious to me that i couldn't picture life without him anymore... i could remember it... kind of... but i didn't want it anymore.  even now those days seem so far behind me.  

now i sit here, my toddler happily sleeping upstairs, wondering where exactly all of those first few months went.  what happened to that sweet little baby who'd lay on his playmat and kick, kick, kick his legs?  or... remember when i could sit him up at a spot somewhere and he'd be there when i got back?  ahhhh.... those were the days.  the days before movement.  

i find myself staring at different pictures from a few months ago and realizing that it was taken back before he was even crawling.  and now i have a full blown walker on my hands... a mere few months later.  where did that tiny little baby go?

which leads me to the next burning question... what will he be doing 4 months from now?  

my friends, i'm new at this.  everything for me has been a little bit of dipping my toes in the water, splish-splashing a bit and then slowly wading in to ankle deep water.  i have that new mama feeling where i want to make every right decision and not just dive in and make mistakes.  don't get me wrong, i think i'm relaxed in most aspects when it comes to leif... my dearest friends and family have permission to slap me silly if i'm not... but i'm not exactly the most confident at times.  there are days when i drag myself into bed and wonder if i'll fail at this.  but most days i watch my amazing husband love on our son and see all that i've accomplished that seemed so daunting a mere 12 months ago and i think...

i've got this.

and i'll tell you why... by the grace of God, an amazing partner in crime (props to the hubs), the endless support of friends and family and one incredible, irresistible kid.  i'm sure there are many triumphs and tribulations ahead...  

but i tell you... with all of the above, we're home free.  

gestures of love...

this week marks 3 years of marriage to my sweet babboo... and over 8 years of dating him.  i can safely say that we've been together for awhile.  it's strange to have 8 y.e.a.r.s. roll off of my tongue and still feel as happy and satisfied as i did when we first started dating... though our love has continued to grow and change over time.

i started writing this blog last month with hopes to post it on valentines day.  but these days... everything takes longer than i think it should.  i'm constantly behind the times (i just sent out thank you notes for some things leif received at christmas time and it's MARCH for goodness sakes!)  so enjoy the fruits of my february labour of love... and the additions that came to it for our anniversary.

valentines day...

i remember always walking around the halls of my high school or church with a wistful longing that some fetching young lad would approach me and profess his undying love and devotion to me... with a handful of roses, of course.  

but it never happened.  

i was just never one of those cool cats.  

you know the ones... the girls who left school on valentine's day afternoon with a hauling of loot from the boys (or A boy).  they'd trapse out of school, carting their vases and balloons, sharing their chocolates with their friends, all with the promise of a wonderful date that evening with their admirer.

me?  

i'd go home, sulk... and drown my sorrows in a box of conversation hearts my mom lovingly set at my place at the table.

and then i'd sigh and think... maybe next year.

now that i'm older and wiser, i know that dudes absolutely hate valentines day... especially my dude... and that the last thing most of them wanted to do was profess their awkward love to some sappy girl on february 14th.  

when i started dating kjaer, i learned that valentines day was just another day to him... and that a man who really loves you makes lots of celebrations of love for you throughout the year.  kjaer has spent the last 8 years of our lives showing me he's loved me by making these gestures in a quieter, less hallmark-y way.

the early days... kind of (2007)

you see, kjaer and i had been friends for about a year and a half before we ever even considered dating.  when we did start dating, it was because there was suddenly an explosion of chemistry that just couldn't be contained.  we had started hanging out quite a bit outside of work.  one december afternoon he walked oh-so-casually down the hall (i always loved watching him saunter) and asked me if i'd like to wake up in the middle of the night and watch a meteor shower with him.  his first grand gesture of many.

here's how you know we were young:

1) we would be meeting at 2 am

2) it was a "school" night (ie - we worked the next day)

i tried not to let him know that i was the least bit excited and very casually said, "sure."

he told me he'd call me and wake me up.

i'd never been so excited in my little boy-adoring life.  here was this handsome guy asking me to rendez-vous in the middle of the night to watch stars, for crying out loud!!!  

AND IT WASN'T EVEN VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!!

when he called to wake me up around 1:30 or so, he glumly explained that the skies were overcast.  "BUT," he told me,  "we have options."  we could go back to sleep or hope that the skies cleared by the time we got out to our viewing spot.  

probably a level-headed person would've said, "oh well, that's too bad." and have gone back to bed.  

but not us. 

we decided to hope for a miracle and i hopped into my car to meet him.  (though i'm sure there was plenty of primping but only enough to make me look like i rolled out of bed beautiful).  when i got to kjaer's he had made a thermos of hot chocolate (!) and had his old jeep cherokee packed with blankets and a telescope.  he ushered me into his car and we took off into the cloudy, blackness of night.  

he drove me out to a desolate field, set up the telescope, cracked open the thermos, wrapped us up in blankets and then we settled in to wait for the stars to emerge from behind the clouds.  while we waited, we talked and scooted closer to each other.  

we waited the entire night for that meteor shower... and it never did make its grand appearance.  but something was ignited on that chilly, fateful night.  the next morning, i found myself rubbing sleep out of my starry eyes while trying to teach a room of 30 second graders.

and i tell you,  i just could not get that boy out of my head.

as the weeks went on, kjaer and i dabbled a little more with the idea of not just being friends... until finally a few weeks later... that handsome man kissed me.   it was the night before christmas eve... affectionately called christmas eve's eve from then on. ( i used to make kjaer celebrate this date as our genisis.  each year he'd call me... and i could tell it was to appease me... to wish me a merry christmas eve's eve.  i appreciated the gesture.  that man knows how to float my boat.)

needless to say, when february rolled around a few months later, i was quite excited to have my own real valentine.  it still felt a little awkward... it was like we were the best of friends who kissed too much and couldn't stop holding hands.  ahhhh.... young love.  but i'll never forget our first valentine's day.  he had just bought his house (now our house) several months prior.  it was a hud home that had been refinished in the saddest way by contractors.  he had purchased it and was in the process (which turned out to be a 2 year process) of gutting and refinishing it himself with the help of his family.  we'd often meet over there early in our relationship to hang out, kiss a little and dream of his bachelor pad.  he'd tell me with great big sweeping gestures which walls would be torn down and where new ones would go, how he'd do this or that to it.  i'd gaze at him in amazement (i still do when i think of all he's done with it) and trip over myself because i was so crazy about him.

so on that first valentine's day he invited me up to the roof of his house for an evening picnic.  we'd spent a lot of time up there already, bundled under blankets (must've been a pretty mild winter that year) watching stars.  so i met him there.  we climbed up the ladder to our perch on the northwest corner, he pulled out our dinner (sub sandwiches and potato chips) and we stayed up there for hours talking, laughing... and probably too much kissing again.  he told me he'd build an observation deck for us, so that our things wouldn't roll off of the roof and we could relax up there.

i still think he plans on building that...

all of this rambling is to say that my man has the most extraordinary ways of showing me he loves me.  he's quieter than most men and he thinks my loud gestures of adoration a tad bit goofy... though i know they are endearing to him.  but he has spent the last 8 years creating countless moments of love that have never been initiated by a greeting card company.  and though he made me a nice dinner on valentine's day this year... its the other 364 days with him that prove to me that i'm undoubtedly loved.

like how he makes me peanut butter french toast every saturday morning while i read aloud from our novel, how he listens to me when i cry and get a teensy bit hysterical over nothing (generally speaking), how he sometimes gets my coffee ready for me while i nurse leif before work (3 tbsp of amaretto cream and 1 tsp of sugar), how he makes me a juice packed full of fruits and veggies everyday for a snack at work, how i find my windows scraped on cold mornings when he's left 1/2 an hour before me.  how he sends me songs and emails throughout the day to let me know he's thinking of me.  how he feeds and waters trooper, even though trooper used to be one of the hardest parts about me to accept.  how he has quietly held me in his strong arms through the happiest and saddest seasons of my life.  how he is constantly compromising his hopes and dreams to make sure that he and i (and our family) are rock solid for years to come.  and how he strives to be a wonderful husband and father each and every day.

his kind of love doesn't show up in the form of roses and chocolate (though he has gotten me flowers a few times... which always emits shrieks of giddy pleasure from me... my old high school self feeling vindicated!) and that's the way i like it.  i'd rather have him romancing me the way he does best... not how the world tells him to do it.

it reminds me a little of the reading from our wedding.... 

"If the old fairy-tale ending "They lived happily ever after" is taken to mean "They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married," then it says what probably never was nor ever would be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships? But, of course, ceasing to be "in love" need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense-love as distinct from "being in love"—is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be "in love" with someone else. "Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it."

-- C. S. Lewis

when i reread these words, i feel a healthy sense of pride in the man my husband is.  he is a man of devotion, kindess and has a deep sense of commitment.  a man who understands that our love changes and grows, but it never ceases... and like a garden, it requires constant tending.  i'm so thankful that God has blessed me with him and that he is the head of our family.  

last night kjaer and i celebrated our three years together by going out to dinner where we had our wedding reception and then walking over to the hotel where we promised our lives to each other.  the sage room was set up for a brunch the next morning and vacant, so i dragged him in there, right up to the front where we had said those vows 36 months ago.  

i could feel my heart beating wildly as i nervously looked him straight in the eye, grabbed both of his hands and i said those vows to my valentine again.  because my man deserves grand gestures too.  and if i've learned anything over the course of our love story, it's that loving each other and telling the other so, will never be in vain.  

so... i'll say it every year, just like i did at the end of our wedding.

kjaer...

"if my heart was a compass, you'd be north."

i love you as big as the moon and beyond...

and i'm so glad we have a lifetime of valentine's days... and un-valentine's days... ahead of us.

turning over a new leif...

the patron verse of parenthood

we shall not all sleep,

but we shall all be changed.

1 corinthians 15:51

yes folks... he's here.  leif coltrane kirkegaard has officially arrived and has taken over the universe.  all 8 pounds 9 oz of him making his mommy and daddy jump at his beck and call.  

it's been a thrilling two weeks.  we've met our lil' man and have had him home now for just over a week.  parenthood is so much more fantastic and challenging than i could have ever imagined. 

first of all, no one can ever prepare you for the amount of love that pours into your soul the minute you meet your little one.  granted, we met leif (pronounced "layf") a little differently than we had been imagining for the 9 months preceding his arrival.  i did end up having a c-section instead of giving birth naturally like i had originally wanted.  i have joined the ranks of women whose plans were changed by their offspring, and i hear it certainly won't be the last time leif interferes with my grandiose plans!  i had gone 11 days past my due date and leif wasn't dropping into my pelvis the way he was supposed to.  in fact, he had dropped and then had moved back up.  this had clued my dr. into a potential problem.  she knew that my mom had been in labor with me for 36 hours before getting an emergency c-section because her hips weren't wide enough for me to pass through.  the dr. felt that this was a definite possibility for me, seeing as how leif was measuring a whopping 9 pounds on the ultrasound.  

my dr. gave us a timeline she was comfortable with as far as waiting for me to go into labor naturally.  we tried EVERYTHING to get little man to come on his own... but to no avail.  we surpassed the day my dr. was comfortable with and arrangements were made.  

so... at 5:30 in the morning on april 18th, we checked into rose hospital for one of the biggest days of our lives.  i was so nervous.  i've never had a major surgery before.  the most i've ever had done was the removal of a freckle on my cheek and my wisdom teeth.  i was a bundle of nerves.  they took kjaer and i up to the laboring floor, which sort of felt like a cruel joke.  i was laying in a bed getting prepped for surgery in a room where i had been dreaming about laboring and bringing my child into the world.  thank God for kjaer and his support and compassion.  my husband can read me like a book, especially when i'm NOT verbalizing how i'm feeling (which is rare as i tend to be quite vocal).  both of our mom's came to see me off to surgery and then the dr's walked me down the hall to the operating room, telling me that i'd be meeting leif in less than 15 minutes.  

stop and think about that.  

now don't get me wrong.  i'm so glad that we have dr.'s to do these surgeries when needed and especially grateful that my son and i are both happy and healthy.  but the process of laboring is long and painful.  all the while both mother and child are anticipating meeting each other.

but as i was getting hooked up to machines and given my epidural, leif didn't know what was about to transpire and neither did my body.  (although my mind did, and it was going crazy!)

i'm sure i had a look of utter terror on my face as kjaer stood in front of me and the anesthesiologist worked behind me to get my epidural.  (by the way, a small miracle was that the anesthesiologist was the same one who gave my dad an epidural that relieved him of his pain during his final days... one of the best according to my mother... who is a nurse and typically hates anesthesiologists).  i draped my arms around kjaer's neck while he whispered to me what a good job i was doing.  he probably told me jokes too, but i was like a caged wild animal.  i wasn't thinking straight.  (at some point, however, with my man's permission, i WILL have to write about something hilarious that happened to kjaer while this all went down.)

then they laid me down on the table and the surgery began.  kjaer was allowed to watch it all take place.  i think this allowed for a couple of things to happen.  first of all, kjaer witnessed a major abdominal surgery.  so every time i try to do too much here at home he remembers my organs being held in the hands of the attending dr.'s and makes me sit down.  i think i have a disconnect because i was behind a sheet.  if you know kjaer, you should ask him about it.  he was absolutely stunned at how physical the surgery was.  secondly, it was amazing because kjaer bore witness to the birth of our child, even though it wasn't quite the way we had been dreaming it would go. 

back to the falling in love with leif part.  so there i am, laying on a table, frantically looking at kjaer's face (which i made him promise to keep straight seeing as how he was watching my blood and guts get unpacked) and waiting... just waiting to hear my little one cry.  i felt a few tugs on my body and suddenly there was this little creature being held over the sheet while kjaer proudly announced "it's a boy!"

think about that.  one minute i was laying there as kjaer's wife, and the next i'm a wife AND a mother.  

kind of surreal.

and i heard his cry, his beautiful cry.  i later told my mom that i'd never heard anything so comforting and wonderful in my life as his little cry.  of course, this isn't the same cry he uses when he's pissed off at 2 a.m.  THAT cry isn't beautiful.  but it belongs to him, and i love him so i'll let him keep it.    

kjaer went with leif to get cleaned up and brought him over to lay on my chest while they finished stitching me up.  i couldn't even fathom what had just happened.  suddenly i didn't care that i was undergoing a major surgery or that all of my plans had been pushed to the side.  because now i had this little one staring up at me with THE SOFTEST cheeks you've ever touched, red hair (!) and big, beautiful eyes.  i DID whisper to leif that i half expected him to be a girl... i felt like this was the time to be honest with him.  better to start off with a clean slate.  (when i was 16 weeks along i saw his little head on the ultrasound screen and had an overwhelming gut feeling he was a boy.  but then i started dreaming about girls... so i was thoroughly confused by the end of my pregnancy!) 

and then something incredible happened.  leif started his first feeding and i fell in love.  it was a different love than when i realized that i loved kjaer or the way i love my family and dearest friends.  there's something so primal to this love, instinctive.  mamas and papas in the house can attest to this.  

on top of all this, watching my husband fall in love with leif was one of the most incredible experiences i've ever had in my life.  throughout my pregnancy i've been so aware of the little guy in my belly.  i knew he was there, felt him kick and move, get the hiccups.  but i think it's so different for the daddy.  he can hold his hand to your belly and feel the kicks, but he isn't living the grand experiment all day, every day.  

however, that all changes when your little one enters the world.  suddenly he's tangible, flesh, and so real that there's no denying the miracle that unfolded between those moments.  when my man first laid eyes on leif, i saw awe and wonder and complete adoration.  it made me fall deeper in love with my husband, which i never knew was possible seeing as how i'm a nut about him already.  

in spite of how our best laid plans changed, kjaer and i were still blown away by this new little man in our lives.  we watched as new dimensions of ourselves, that we had never known, unfolded from within and we became parents.  i had never met monica, the mom, yet.  but i must admit, i like her.  she's stronger than i thought she'd be.  and, although a little too worried about doing everything right, she's learning to trust her gut... which hasn't steered her wrong even though her brain often fights with it.  and i like kjaer, the proud daddy.  he's so amazing to watch with leif, and such an amazing husband to me.  our lives have totally flipped up-side-down, and he's still here in my corner, loving me, cheering me on and working alongside me to ensure that leif belongs to two parents who will continue to love each other fiercely.  

don't get me wrong... the challenges have been more difficult as well.  i can sum it all up with one word...

breastfeeding.

yup.  people tell you it's tough, and you smile and nod in agreement.  but then you actually have a little squirmy baby in your arms who won't latch on for an hour and a half, and you know that you are his only form of nourishment.  but not to worry... as the days pass, it gets better.  you carve your way into the world of being a mother and you and your little man begin to work with each other (not against). perhaps i'll write more of my breastfeeding triumphs and woes in a later blog, but i'd like to get a few more weeks under my belt before baring it all for you...

(pun intended)

but it's all part of the process, the growing and unfolding of new pieces of yourself.  before wednesday, april 18th, i was monica the individual, the wife, the friend, the daughter, the teacher.  but leif came along and chiseled a new facet into my life... i'm a mother.  

and now i am forever, wonderfully, changed.  

ode to my sweet babboo

Sally: I wonder when my sweet babboo is going to ask me to the party?

Linus: I'm not your sweet babboo, and I wouldn't invite you to a garage sale!

Sally: Isn't he the cutest thing?  

every year, as february peaks at me from behind a corner, i get the urge to watch A Charlie Brown Valentine.  and because i have this urge, i have my students watch it every Valentine's Day... telling other teachers that my CLASS wanted to watch it.  but truthfully, i was sitting right there with them, loving every moment of it.

one of my favorite parts of the brilliance that is charlie brown, is the dynamics between sally and linus.

at first i thought i just liked them both because they were so funny... sally exhaling a loud sigh every time her linus speaks but one wise line.  sauntering over to him and batting her eyes while he awkwardly sits next to her with flushed, rosy cheeks.  but last year i came to realize it's because i was watching kjaer and i play out on television.

i'm crazy about my husband... did you know that?  when i try to tell him this, he is so sweet and humble about it that i wonder if he is secretly questioning my sanity.  but he is my linus... my sweet babboo.  just as sally found linus's thoughts, actions and blue blanket irresistible... i find my man to be the same.

so, in light of valentine's day, which is fast approaching, i'd like to try, just attempt, to educate the world on why my man still knocks my socks off.

1)  he makes me big breakfasts every weekend.  every saturday or sunday morning we wake up and he sleepily asks, "what should we have for breakfast today?"  and folks, the menu is to DIE for... peanut butter french toast, sweet milks, pancakes, chocolate chip pancakes... the list goes on.  we shuffle out of our bedroom and i set the table, make the coffee and feed the dog while he gets his master piece going.  the man has talent, people.  he has a certain way he heats up the griddle, cracks the eggs and flips the goods.  all the while, i sit across the table reading the current fiction novel we're working on to him (in between sally-ish sighs).  it's my favorite part of the week.

2)  he can fix anything... he's THAT good.  i have never met a man who can work on cars, gut and remodel his own home, hand-make his own frames for his photographs...  the list goes on.  every time i have some wild-haired idea ("maybe we need a dining room in our sunroom!!!  what if we hung our tv ABOVE the fireplace???  did you see that headboard on pintrest... could we (ahem... you) make one???") he makes the necessary trips to lowes and gets to work.  and did you know, he doesn't even have to ask sales associates for help at home improvement stores?  (insert sally sigh here)  he always knows what he needs whilst i follow him around batting my eyelashes up at him.

3)  he has a quiet sort of love.  in case you haven't already figured it out, his wife is quite demonstrative.  i love talking about love with him, telling him i love him, hugging him, kissing him, holding his hand, telling others about how much i love him.  basically, i probably drive the poor man crazy.  but his love for me is so quiet and gentle, and i know to my marrow he adores me.

4)  he does little things for no reason... sending me a song over email during the day that made him think of me, he even got me flowers for no reason last month.  one time... he vacuumed my car without me even asking.  i could've kissed him!  another time, he made us matching water cups for the bathroom on his potters wheel.  that's when i KNEW i had him.  the man would rather die than have matching anything! 

5)  he is sincere and expects others to be.  there's no faking it with this guy.  he appreciates sincere people and is nothing but sincere in return. this is very linus-esque.  remember the charlie brown halloween special?  linus just KNEW the great pumpkin would visit the sincerest pumpkin patch.  alas, this is my man... his pumpkin patch is sincere and you are invited into it if you are sincere too.

6)  he has seen me at my worst and still loves me at the end of the day.  ladies... you know what i'm talking about.  especially since my hormones are at an all time high with our little one in my belly, this man has seen more crying breakdowns and irrational behaviors than a celebrity therapist.  OK... i'm not THAT bad.  but he HAS witnessed some strange behavior.  one time i tried to be mad at him (yes... i TRIED but he makes it so hard and i'm so crazy about him it doesn't always work out).  i was crying irrationally over something.  then he got me laughing.  i'd start laughing and remember why i was mad and start sobbing again.  then i'd hear my pitiful cries and start laughing at how ridiculous i sounded.  the whole time kjaer just watched me, dying of laughter.  who couldn't?  i was dying of laughter too... when i wasn't wailing inbetween fits of giggles.  by the time my 20 minute crazy fest was over, (my brain was thinking he should be running for the door) ... he took me in his arms and said "one of my top... 5 .... favorite moments with you... EVER."  and he gave me a big ol' kiss.

swoon.

7)  he floors me.  i appreciate the things he thinks about, feel honored that he trusts me enough to share his secrets, ideas and thoughts with and i just plain love the way his brain works.  ever since high school people have teased me about falling for "mysterious" people.  well, the truth is... that even after 9 years of knowing kjaer, i still feel like he's my handsome little onion.  each layer i pull back adds to the wonderfulness that he is... good or bad.  he's smart, intriguing and good-looking.  what more could a gal ask for?

8) he makes me laugh (see #6 and #9).  he can make me laugh when i'm trying my darndest to be as grumpy as i can be.  and we laugh together ALL THE TIME.  from our spitting contests when we were first dating, to wrestling for the sweet spot on the couch, he always has me smiling. 

9)   he's quirky... in a good way of course.  there are so many little things that i love about him.  first of all... who would ever look at my man and think that his favorite tv shows are celebrity rehab and campus PD?  come on!!  i LOVE it!  when we watch campus PD he shouts out "extra fuzz!!" out of sheer excitement midway through... i crack up every time (unless they don't play extra fuzz... and then he sadly asks "where's the extra fuzz?")  his favorite movies are the fast and the furious movies... and not just the good ones (and yes, my love, i did just say that).  i think we were even in danger of naming our child "diesel" after good ol' vin diesel.  he drives to a rummage sale in nebraska every year, frequents local thrift stores looking for records to add to his collection, brews batches of beer or is constantly tinkering with other little projects around the house.  on weekends i see the wheels start turning around 8 AM and i know he's planning out his day full of projects.  one time, i woke up and found him in his pajamas and crocs trimming our grape vines in the backyard... apparently this needed to be done BEFORE the peanut butter french toast.  he's always busy and always working.  i love that when he gets that faraway look and i ask, "what are you thinking about?"  he'll answer with something like, "motorcycles" and it's the truth.  sometimes, over the past 7 years, when he gets that look... it'll turn out to be that he's dreaming up how to convert one of our jeeps into a biodiesel vehicle so that he can run it on french fry oil.  while i know he wants to save the environment, i can't help but wonder if he just wants the air around him to smell like french fries.  and to that i say, "good call my love, good call."

10) he's honest.  don't need to explain much here.   honesty goes a long way with most people.  he's also patient... cool as a cucumber.  and the more impatient i am, the more patient he gets.  when i get over the annoying fact that he's more saintly than i in this area, i actually appreciate it. 

the list could go on and on. 

i could spend all day writing about this man or talking about him.  but i think, for times sake, i'll share one last thought...

last valentine's day i gave kjaer a card in an envelope that was addressed "to: my sweet babboo."  words can't describe the comical look that came across his face... it was very linus-y. but i stuck to my guns because it was the truth.  i think sometimes my shameless love can be a little frightening.  but the reality of it all is that i'm so blessed to have found my partner in this man.  marriage should be a place where both of you are better people together than you would be apart... and i believe that's true for both of us.  while kjaer and i are wonderful people apart, together i feel like we're unstoppable.  the best part of it all, the absolute clincher, is that i'm as crazy about him as i was over 7 years ago when we first started dating.  sure, our love has transformed and changed over the years, but the man can still make my heart go pitter-pat with one statement he utters.

and that, my dear husband, means that i'll forever be your sally... and you will always be my sweet babboo.