turning over a new leif...

the patron verse of parenthood

we shall not all sleep,

but we shall all be changed.

1 corinthians 15:51

yes folks... he's here.  leif coltrane kirkegaard has officially arrived and has taken over the universe.  all 8 pounds 9 oz of him making his mommy and daddy jump at his beck and call.  

it's been a thrilling two weeks.  we've met our lil' man and have had him home now for just over a week.  parenthood is so much more fantastic and challenging than i could have ever imagined. 

first of all, no one can ever prepare you for the amount of love that pours into your soul the minute you meet your little one.  granted, we met leif (pronounced "layf") a little differently than we had been imagining for the 9 months preceding his arrival.  i did end up having a c-section instead of giving birth naturally like i had originally wanted.  i have joined the ranks of women whose plans were changed by their offspring, and i hear it certainly won't be the last time leif interferes with my grandiose plans!  i had gone 11 days past my due date and leif wasn't dropping into my pelvis the way he was supposed to.  in fact, he had dropped and then had moved back up.  this had clued my dr. into a potential problem.  she knew that my mom had been in labor with me for 36 hours before getting an emergency c-section because her hips weren't wide enough for me to pass through.  the dr. felt that this was a definite possibility for me, seeing as how leif was measuring a whopping 9 pounds on the ultrasound.  

my dr. gave us a timeline she was comfortable with as far as waiting for me to go into labor naturally.  we tried EVERYTHING to get little man to come on his own... but to no avail.  we surpassed the day my dr. was comfortable with and arrangements were made.  

so... at 5:30 in the morning on april 18th, we checked into rose hospital for one of the biggest days of our lives.  i was so nervous.  i've never had a major surgery before.  the most i've ever had done was the removal of a freckle on my cheek and my wisdom teeth.  i was a bundle of nerves.  they took kjaer and i up to the laboring floor, which sort of felt like a cruel joke.  i was laying in a bed getting prepped for surgery in a room where i had been dreaming about laboring and bringing my child into the world.  thank God for kjaer and his support and compassion.  my husband can read me like a book, especially when i'm NOT verbalizing how i'm feeling (which is rare as i tend to be quite vocal).  both of our mom's came to see me off to surgery and then the dr's walked me down the hall to the operating room, telling me that i'd be meeting leif in less than 15 minutes.  

stop and think about that.  

now don't get me wrong.  i'm so glad that we have dr.'s to do these surgeries when needed and especially grateful that my son and i are both happy and healthy.  but the process of laboring is long and painful.  all the while both mother and child are anticipating meeting each other.

but as i was getting hooked up to machines and given my epidural, leif didn't know what was about to transpire and neither did my body.  (although my mind did, and it was going crazy!)

i'm sure i had a look of utter terror on my face as kjaer stood in front of me and the anesthesiologist worked behind me to get my epidural.  (by the way, a small miracle was that the anesthesiologist was the same one who gave my dad an epidural that relieved him of his pain during his final days... one of the best according to my mother... who is a nurse and typically hates anesthesiologists).  i draped my arms around kjaer's neck while he whispered to me what a good job i was doing.  he probably told me jokes too, but i was like a caged wild animal.  i wasn't thinking straight.  (at some point, however, with my man's permission, i WILL have to write about something hilarious that happened to kjaer while this all went down.)

then they laid me down on the table and the surgery began.  kjaer was allowed to watch it all take place.  i think this allowed for a couple of things to happen.  first of all, kjaer witnessed a major abdominal surgery.  so every time i try to do too much here at home he remembers my organs being held in the hands of the attending dr.'s and makes me sit down.  i think i have a disconnect because i was behind a sheet.  if you know kjaer, you should ask him about it.  he was absolutely stunned at how physical the surgery was.  secondly, it was amazing because kjaer bore witness to the birth of our child, even though it wasn't quite the way we had been dreaming it would go. 

back to the falling in love with leif part.  so there i am, laying on a table, frantically looking at kjaer's face (which i made him promise to keep straight seeing as how he was watching my blood and guts get unpacked) and waiting... just waiting to hear my little one cry.  i felt a few tugs on my body and suddenly there was this little creature being held over the sheet while kjaer proudly announced "it's a boy!"

think about that.  one minute i was laying there as kjaer's wife, and the next i'm a wife AND a mother.  

kind of surreal.

and i heard his cry, his beautiful cry.  i later told my mom that i'd never heard anything so comforting and wonderful in my life as his little cry.  of course, this isn't the same cry he uses when he's pissed off at 2 a.m.  THAT cry isn't beautiful.  but it belongs to him, and i love him so i'll let him keep it.    

kjaer went with leif to get cleaned up and brought him over to lay on my chest while they finished stitching me up.  i couldn't even fathom what had just happened.  suddenly i didn't care that i was undergoing a major surgery or that all of my plans had been pushed to the side.  because now i had this little one staring up at me with THE SOFTEST cheeks you've ever touched, red hair (!) and big, beautiful eyes.  i DID whisper to leif that i half expected him to be a girl... i felt like this was the time to be honest with him.  better to start off with a clean slate.  (when i was 16 weeks along i saw his little head on the ultrasound screen and had an overwhelming gut feeling he was a boy.  but then i started dreaming about girls... so i was thoroughly confused by the end of my pregnancy!) 

and then something incredible happened.  leif started his first feeding and i fell in love.  it was a different love than when i realized that i loved kjaer or the way i love my family and dearest friends.  there's something so primal to this love, instinctive.  mamas and papas in the house can attest to this.  

on top of all this, watching my husband fall in love with leif was one of the most incredible experiences i've ever had in my life.  throughout my pregnancy i've been so aware of the little guy in my belly.  i knew he was there, felt him kick and move, get the hiccups.  but i think it's so different for the daddy.  he can hold his hand to your belly and feel the kicks, but he isn't living the grand experiment all day, every day.  

however, that all changes when your little one enters the world.  suddenly he's tangible, flesh, and so real that there's no denying the miracle that unfolded between those moments.  when my man first laid eyes on leif, i saw awe and wonder and complete adoration.  it made me fall deeper in love with my husband, which i never knew was possible seeing as how i'm a nut about him already.  

in spite of how our best laid plans changed, kjaer and i were still blown away by this new little man in our lives.  we watched as new dimensions of ourselves, that we had never known, unfolded from within and we became parents.  i had never met monica, the mom, yet.  but i must admit, i like her.  she's stronger than i thought she'd be.  and, although a little too worried about doing everything right, she's learning to trust her gut... which hasn't steered her wrong even though her brain often fights with it.  and i like kjaer, the proud daddy.  he's so amazing to watch with leif, and such an amazing husband to me.  our lives have totally flipped up-side-down, and he's still here in my corner, loving me, cheering me on and working alongside me to ensure that leif belongs to two parents who will continue to love each other fiercely.  

don't get me wrong... the challenges have been more difficult as well.  i can sum it all up with one word...

breastfeeding.

yup.  people tell you it's tough, and you smile and nod in agreement.  but then you actually have a little squirmy baby in your arms who won't latch on for an hour and a half, and you know that you are his only form of nourishment.  but not to worry... as the days pass, it gets better.  you carve your way into the world of being a mother and you and your little man begin to work with each other (not against). perhaps i'll write more of my breastfeeding triumphs and woes in a later blog, but i'd like to get a few more weeks under my belt before baring it all for you...

(pun intended)

but it's all part of the process, the growing and unfolding of new pieces of yourself.  before wednesday, april 18th, i was monica the individual, the wife, the friend, the daughter, the teacher.  but leif came along and chiseled a new facet into my life... i'm a mother.  

and now i am forever, wonderfully, changed.