great expectations

DISCLAIMER:  before i get started on my little topic for today... i don't think any less of the woman in the store with disposable diapers in her shopping cart, the girlfriends who've had epidurals or the lady who uses formula with her child.  those are their choices... and i support them wholeheartedly. 

and now we can commence with today's thoughts...

sometimes i set the bar a little high for myself. 

i'm not sure where this all began... but i think overcoming depression a decade ago and losing weight was the spark that started the fire in my soul.  well, i say fire... but i'm not talking a raging bonfire here.  i'm talking a little campfire that has burned for the last decade.  and it hasn't even burned steadily.  it has waxed and waned... but always has been there.

i've had so many accomplishments (which i also consider blessings) in the last decade of my life that i'm proud of.  some small... like running 1/2 marathons.  some bigger.  sometimes i wonder if i've almost turned these big dreams into a game for myself. 

let's see... if i can just set this bar a little higher... what would happen?

so it's not surprising that i would be this way about having our child as well.  in fact, i started with some of these lofty goals before we were even considering starting our family.  about two years ago, i watched a documentary (The Business of Being Born) and decided that i needed to try giving birth naturally (without medication).  (Damn documentaries... always getting you to change the way you think!) 

besides, i believe that God created our bodies to bring children into the world.  and although He didn't design it pain-free... He did give our bodies the ability to do it.  plus, women have been doing it without drugs for thousands of years.  so i would personally like to try to experience something so pivotal in a woman's life without numbing it.  i don't care about what other people do when they give birth.  heck, start your IV's and epidurals the day you find out your pregnant for all i care.  this is something i want to do for myself. 

of course, the minute i saw those two little pink lines on the pregnancy test i had an immediate thought... (and almost a relapse)

well... more like 4 of them... at once.

1) holy crap!  i'm pregnant!

2) how am i going to tell my husband?!?!  i totally wasn't prepared to do this!  i want to be one of those cool wives that does it some cool way!

3) holy crap!  i'm pregnant!

4) OH CRAP AGAIN!!!  NOW I ACTUALLY HAVE TO GO THROUGH WITH THE WHOLE NATURAL CHILD BIRTHING THING!  *insert fearful expletives here*

i've had about 9 months to work on the fearful part of this endeavor.  although, i must admit, hearing other people tell me their horrific labor stories doesn't always help my cause.  plus, there are the girlfriends (and i love you ALL dearly) who wish me luck with that look in their eyes like "we'll see if THAT happens!" 

i almost wrote my dear friend, lynette, a thank you note the other day... because instead of patting me on the back with the typical "good luck" bit, she declared rather matter of factly "you are so strong.  i know you'll be able to do it!"  exactly the perfect words i needed to hear!  in fact, after i'm done typing this... i might just still write her a note.  her words of encouragement let me know that the bar i set was attainable rather than  a reach for something absurd!  plus... she believes in me.  (and i'm aware, my dear people who love me so much, that she's not the only one... but her words came at just the right moment, if you know what i mean).

another goal i've set is to cloth diaper.  this also hasn't reaped words of encouragement from many a folk.  i know it's because they have been in the motherhood trenches themselves and they KNOW (as do the disposable diaper companies) that disposable diapers are worth the extra cost because they are so convenient.  i am well aware of this... and, honestly,  have worried that i might get sucked into the convenience pitfall. 

again, i had one friend, Erika, who successfully cloth diapered and helped encourage me when others were shaking their heads with disbelief.  she helped me research and talked to me about how i needed to stick with it for 1 month before giving up... because she says it will get harder before it gets easier. but her success story and encouragement are enough to keep my little boat afloat.

and then kjaer and i visited a little cloth diaper store in february, the giggling green bean, and attended a cloth diapering class. (yes, i'm beginning to realize that kjaer and i are those nerdy parents who research and attend classes... i mean, really, a diaper class?)  once i saw those cute little wool diaper covers (for nighttime use), i was a goner.  i mean... who wouldn't want to diaper their child in this?

i dare you to argue with me!

so we have officially invested a few hundred dollars on diapers to be used with all of our children.  all told, i think we will have spent around $700 getting everything (diapers, covers, wet bags and reusable wipes).  but, statistics show that families spend $2000 a year per child on diapers and wipes.  so even if kjaer and i have only 2 kiddos... we're talking a savings of about $7000! 

so yes, a lofty goal... not a convenient one.  but one that i think is financially good for our family (and good for the earth).  besides, disposable diapers have only been around for 40 years.  so... again, i think we can manage since millions of others have traversed this path before us. 

(i do have a friend who keeps telling me how disgusting it is that i'm cloth diapering... because she thinks it's gross.  but kjaer installed a diaper sprayer/bidet in our munchkins bathroom two weekends ago, so i'm hoping this will take away the ick factor!)

on a side note:  seriously, i have the best husband!

the last bar i have set for myself is to breastfeed for a year without supplementing with formula.  i've been surprised at people's reactions to this. my girlfriends who have recently had children are very supportive of this.  they may think my unmedicated child birthing goal is unnecessary or my diapering goal is inconvenient... but almost every mother i've met has been on board with the breast milk thing.  it's surprised me the few people who haven't been as supportive.

well, let me rephrase that.

they think they're being supportive... but in my hormonal brain i feel like they are setting me up for failure.  they say things like, "don't be disappointed if you can't breastfeed, formula does the same thing, blah, blah, blah."  like they think they know i'm going to fail, so they'd better help me feel OK with failing before i actually do fail. 

but again, God created my body to produce milk (which is by far better than formula) to feed my own child.  i'm not doubting my ability... why should anyone else?  do i know that it's not always easy?  you betcha!  but women have been doing it for thousands of years... why can't i? 

in fact, in our breastfeeding class, our lactation consultant talked about how the "struggle" to breastfeed is really only a phenomenon in the united states.  an interesting fact when you think about it. 

yes, i have high hopes.  ones that aren't as convenient as the modern day marvels that are so readily available.  but each of these three things is a challenge that i have given myself with the expectation to complete to the best of my ability.  am i aware that i might fail?  certainly!  but do i plan on doing my best to succeed?  absolutely.

because, if i've learned anything over the past few years of my life... it's that the higher i set the bar for myself and meet those goals, the more i believe in myself as a person.  and the victory is so much sweeter if you do it when nobody thought you could.

PS... i just had to share... who can resist this little bathrobe?  seriously!  i'm taking it to the hospital with me for when "times get tough" during labor as a focal point and a reminder of what kjaer and i have to look forward to!

PPS - i have to publicly state that my husband has been my biggest partner and cheerleader in setting and hopefully keeping these three goals.  his love, encouragement and support, especially when i freak out,  (i mean, come on... i'm loaded to the brim with hormones) have been the gasoline in my tank! thanks husband!