lets doula this...

well folks... it's almost that time.  i'm huge.  

insensitive people tell me so.  (lots of them, too).

(albeit true... i don't really need reminders about my size... i'm well aware... trust me).

we are in the final countdown.  less than 8 weeks until my due date... which... don't ask me why us pregnant women cling to that date as if THAT'S the day.  we all know that hardly any of us deliver that day.  but it's an end point to the madness that is this expanding body.  

i hardly recognize myself anymore.  i used to be cute, i think.  

i don't remember, actually.  

my whole look has changed since i was pregnant with leif.  i've never quite recovered.  but let me tell you... i'm pretty excited to shrink... see my cheekbones again... my clavicle... my knees and elbows.  

so i've been working pretty hard this pregnancy to stay active.  i walk a couple of miles several times a week.  if i can't get it done during the day or because of the weather, i've been hopping on my treadmill.  i've been eating cleaner this time around... though not perfect.  (i'm pretty sure the gestational diabetes scare was actually MY fault.  the morning of my glucose test... which was scheduled for 3 in the afternoon... i drank a starbucks hot chocolate that i had bought for leif because i couldn't bare to see a $4 drink go to waste.  oops.)  i still have gained about the same amount of weight... so i'm slowly coming to accept that this is just what my body does when it's pregnant.  sigh.  while visions of a long, lean pregnant lady with a basketball belly dance in my head... i am stuck looking like a munchkin from the lollipop guild.  

all of this whining, which... yes... i'm totally aware that i'm doing right now... is to emphasize how excited i am to be nearing the end.  there is a light at the end of this big, pregnant tunnel.  then i only have to endure a few more months of insensitive comments while i whittle away my weight gain and rediscover myself as the mother of a newborn again.  

a part of me is just so truly happy to be nearing the end...  when the reason i'm up at night is because of a baby whose head smells like a dream and not because i have to pee for the fourth time and readjust my pregnancy pillow for the 10th time because i can't sleep on whatever hip i've been on for the last hour.  

and then there's the other part of me...  the part that is terrified of the whole birthing process. 

you might remember my "birth plan" when i was pregnant with leif.  i was all ready to go natural, unmedicated, draping my arms around my supportive husband's strong neck while i brought new life into this world.  to be honest, kjaer and i were high on this idea... we talked about it, planned on it and waited...

and waited...

and waited.

until my doctor threatened to fire me.  

so, together with our doctor, we scheduled a c-section and BOOM, we had a baby.  

many of you have had c-sections... and maybe you breezed through it with flying colors.  many of you were fine with however your baby came into the world... as long as they were healthy.  i envy you.  

this was not my experience.  i don't know why... but there was something so traumatic about the whole experience.  first of all, i felt so invaded.  one minute i was overflowing with baby, the next i was empty and being stitched up on an operating room table.  i didn't have time to labor, in fact i had never even felt a true contraction.  some people tell me how lucky i am because they hated laboring... but deep down i feel robbed.  i really had wanted to work at bringing my baby into the world the way i believe i was designed to do... like completing a marathon, but bigger.

it was my first surgery, ever.  and c-sections are no joke.  one person holds your intestines while another holds your stomach and the doctor yanks you around while they pull the baby out.  it was terrifying... at least to me.  

then, there was my hospital stay afterwards.  the first night my oxygen alarms went off because i stopped breathing for a second.  the alarm woke me up and caused me to take a breath as i saw the nurse come rushing into my room.  talk about heart-stopping.  plus, i couldn't walk two steps without throwing up.  it was awful.  

the next day the new mother in a room next door to me coded.  kjaer was getting ready to go home and pick up a few things for our room.  the next thing we knew alarms were going off, we heard a crash and the person who had been in the room with her was screaming for help.  the entire floor rushed to her room and worked to stabilize her.  it sounded like they were performing CPR... and it was totally terrifying.  i remember begging kjaer to stay with me, because i was just sure if he left, i would stop breathing (like i had the night before) and turn out just like that woman.  i cried and cried. he called our moms and had them come sit with me so that he could leave for an hour or two to get our stuff.  

and then there was the long recovery.  the bleeding for 10 weeks instead of the normal 3-4.  the trouble breastfeeding, which is very common with c-section babies.  the healing from three incisions in my guts.  all on top of the anxious, exhausted and overwhelmed nerves of being a first time mom.  

i don't really recall there being many moments of happiness or joy those first couple of months... and for some reason, i like to peg it on my c-section.  i just feel like if i had given birth the way i was meant to, i could have avoided half of that scary stuff that scared the ever-loving crap out of me.

so now... we're back to present day and i'm winding down to our next little munchkin's birth day and i feel desperate to make changes.   kjaer and i are attempting to go for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean).  we've done research and have found it's actually better for mothers (and babies) to do VBAC's... but insurance companies scare hospitals and doctors into the old "once a c-section always a c-section" rule.  in fact, 95% of moms who attempt a VBAC end up having a c-section again because doctors are afraid of the minuscule chance that something will go wrong (even though the odds of something serious happening are more likely to happen during a c-section).  

our doctor has told us that we are good candidates.  the reason we had the c-section before was that i was 11 days overdue, had not dilated or effaced and had no regular contractions.  it wasn't an emergency, leif wasn't breech.... he was just too cozy all up in here!

so, on my treadmill the other night, i was waddling away at a snails pace watching a documentary on doulas (i watch such interesting things these days... insert eye roll here).  i learned the stunning fact that doula's decrease labor time by 50%!!!  

(!!!!)

this is one reason VBAC's are unsuccessful in hospitals.  if you don't progress in a certain amount of time, they just cut the baby out.  i started thinking, if i could labor at home for as long as possible and then have her come to the hospital with me to help kjaer and i labor... maybe i would progress at a reasonable rate, making my chances even better to be a success story.  

kjaer was giving leif a bath upstairs... unaware of my grandiose plans.  he brought leif down to his wife, who was loudly proclaiming over her loud steps, "i think we need to hire a doula."  

after a little discussion, kjaer was on the boat.  it did take some convincing though.  i mean... there's the whole money issue, which is nothing to laugh at.  current health insurance changes for educators has skyrocketed the cost of having a baby.  we will be paying close to $6000 out of pocket to welcome our new little one into our family.  so adding another $700 for a doula is daunting.  

but when i think that her mere presence with us will increase our odds... i think it's worth the punch in our wallet's gut.  anything to avoid being cut open and exposed on a stainless steel table.  

so i called one the other day and immediately my little hopeful heart sunk.  her first piece of advice was to fire our doctor and get a new one because, statistically, if you use the same doctor, they almost always cut you open again.  she assured me that it was my choice, but that i still had time to find a new doctor and it was her #1 piece of advice for us.  

i was torn.  first of all... i LOVE my doctor.  i've known her for forever... and i WANT to believe that when she says i'm a good candidate and she thinks i can do it, she believes it.  also... i'm scared.  i don't want to find another doctor this late in the game.  i'm paid up at the OB's office and honestly... i don't want to change now.  however, the more i realize the odds are against me if i stay with her, the more i'm realizing i need to leave my comfort zone.  the doula recommended a dr. to us with an extremely high VBAC rate (a rare thing, these days) and kjaer and i meet with him next friday.  

another reason i want a doula is because i think i need for labor/birth to be normalized.  i have everyone telling me i'm crazy for wanting to go unmedicated or to go for a vaginal birth (even though i've done more research on this than the nay-sayers have ever dreamed).  i have a feeling in the throws of hard labor, i will be scared and in pain and if the doctor says, "let's do a c-section, this baby is not coming." i'd just give in.  however, if a doula, who has witnessed hundreds of babies be born naturally said, "you are doing absolutely perfect, this is totally normal, give it another hour." i'd be more likely to press on.  (by the way, i know my husband would be full of this knowledge, just like he was while i was learning to breastfeed... but i didn't listen to the poor man because, well,  he's a man and i wanted an expert to tell me so... hence... ANOTHER reason we'll need a doula.)  plus, i like that the doula can advocate for me at the hospital so that kjaer can spend his time with me rather than trying to protect me from modern medicine AND help me labor.  

so think of us and pray for us as we start doula shopping.  there is a lot of yellow tape already because i've had a c-section... i have to go into labor naturally (no inductions because then i risk rupturing my uterus and possible death) and i have one week from my due date to do it or they take the baby out because of other risks.  we have to find a doula who is willing to work with those guidelines without making me feel like a wimp for adhering to my doctor's yellow tape.

so... in a matter of weeks i'll be holding the newest member of our family, i'll be starting my road back to a "normal" body (let's see if i can successfully get there this time!) and none of this will matter anymore.  i know that however this sweet thing comes into this world, as long as we are both healthy, it's all that matters.  but i'm truly hoping it doesn't have to be as traumatic as last time...