Saturday, April 14, 2012

nesting...

photo by my dear friend, lynette tidewell

maternity leave has been bliss...

don't get me wrong.  baby k's delayed arrival has definitely been frustrating.  especially when he or she is so cozy that it has literally dropped into my pelvis and then proceeded to move back up inside of me, causing the dr's to say, "usually they don't do that."

  apparently i'm a very comfortable host!

and, i'm not going to lie... every time i wake up in the morning, still pregnant, with no labor in sight, i get a tad bit disappointed.

but i'm having a difficult time being completely sad.

because maternity leave pre-baby has been amazing.

last week i went to work on monday morning.  baby k was low-riding back then, so i was rather uncomfortable.  but more than that... i saw my sweet little 2nd graders come traipsing through the door and my eyes glazed over.  i was done.  i just couldn't look at one more child.  my energy level was gone.  so i started my maternity leave 3 days earlier than planned.

to be honest... because baby k was so low last week and i was experiencing a lot of contractions and discomfort, i was pretty sure i was going to go early anyways.  

but as you can clearly see, here i sit,  a week overdue.  a fully cooked, estimated 9 pound baby happily thriving away in my belly.  (ummm, yes... you heard me right... apparently i'm quite talented at growing big, healthy babies.  uh-oh... after all of that unmedicated childbirth talk i'm starting to question myself!  send me some love and encouragement people!)

but i digress...

because as i was laying in bed this morning, wide awake at 3 AM, i kept coming back to how amazing this past week has been.  first of all, it doesn't matter that my aching hips and churning brain have woken me up at 3 AM each morning, because I get to go back to bed around 6:30 AM, after sending my handsome man off to work, and cat nap.  after i wake up for a second time, i make breakfast, watch the news (which i'm obsessed with, particularly the weather) and start a project or two... making sure i take a couple of walks here and there to hopefully encourage baby k's arrival.


i finished a two day project Thursday, labeling our cd collection.  it's been something i've been meaning to do for months now.  back in the fall of 2011 i had convinced my husband that we should put our cd's in these cute little boxes from IKEA so that we didn't have to stare at ugly cd spines.  but to his dismay, because we had never labeled the boxes, he couldn't figure out how to find his favorite cds, even though i had alphabetized them.  

well, never fear my love, because your wife has saved the day and labeled our entire cd collection (which is impressively massive because two music junkies fell in love and married each other)! 

something that would never have gotten done after the arrival of our munchkin.

that's right, dust your shoulders off kirkegaard!

speaking of dust... the other day i found dust... DUST... in our kitchen cabinets!

heaven forbid!

they are open air cabinets that the hubs lined with a special rubber liner so that the dishes don't slide around in them.  as i was vigorously scrubbing dishes and my counter tops, i noticed that the liners were filthy.  kjaer came upstairs to find the cupboards being emptied and the liners being pulled out and rinsed in the kitchen sink. i could feel him eyeballing me as i worked... like, "uh oh... is she doing that nesting thing?"  he'd periodically walk through the kitchen, ever so casually, his eyes burning a hole into my very pregnant backside.  but i think he was making sure my water wasn't about to burst or something.  he's heard about the fabled "burst of energy before you go into labor" routine.  a few hours into this project, he found me perched on top of the counter, washing the top of the refrigerator (because... *gasp*... there was a lot of dust up there too!).  suddenly, his hospital bag (which has been lovingly filled with snacks and a few changes of clothes for a couple of weeks) came out of the closet and his travel sized hygiene items started to get packed.  i think he thought i'd be in labor by the time i waddled my way off of the counter!  (actually, i sort of wondered if i would go into labor too.  but alas, that was a week ago!)

but that's OK, you can still call me super wife.

did i mention that each afternoon, when i get a little tired, i get to go out to our sunroom and open all of the doors up and let the breeze come pouring in?  i then proceed to lay on what we affectionately call our napping couch, listen to the pond my husband put on our patio and take a nap.

divine.

it may not be pretty, but it's a good napping couch with a view!

every day i save a few jobs for myself to do.  yesterday i had quite a few things on the docket, so i was a little bummed that i had been awake since 3 in the morning.   i drove over to the fire station and had our car seat inspected, met with a third contractor for an estimate on heating and air conditioning, brought kjaer lunch and his sacred tupperware of homemade cookies that he left at home, got a letter notarized for a family of a student in my class, and went to see the acupuncturist (for the fourth time) to hopefully induce labor.

our house is clean.  i've kept up on laundry.  and i'm rested.

the other afternoon, as i was dozing on our patio feeling quite spoiled, it occurred to me that this will be the only time in my life where i can take off work and relax like this.  i mean, just think about this!  the next time i go on maternity leave i will already have another child, so i won't be able to nap on the patio and do projects such as organizing a massive cd collection or washing all of the shelf liners in my kitchen cabinets.  i'll be in the throws of caring for another munchkin... who will probably be a toddler by then... AND pregnant.  props to mommies who already do that everyday! 

so let's just say that even though i'm itching to meet our little pumpkin'... each day he or she doesn't arrive allows for another day to complete wild haired projects that would otherwise never get done and relax.  i think i just might be the luckiest lady in the world.   

three cheers for maternity leave!


Monday, April 9, 2012

great expectations

DISCLAIMER:  before i get started on my little topic for today... i don't think any less of the woman in the store with disposable diapers in her shopping cart, the girlfriends who've had epidurals or the lady who uses formula with her child.  those are their choices... and i support them wholeheartedly. 


and now we can commence with today's thoughts...

sometimes i set the bar a little high for myself. 

i'm not sure where this all began... but i think overcoming depression a decade ago and losing weight was the spark that started the fire in my soul.  well, i say fire... but i'm not talking a raging bonfire here.  i'm talking a little campfire that has burned for the last decade.  and it hasn't even burned steadily.  it has waxed and waned... but always has been there.

i've had so many accomplishments (which i also consider blessings) in the last decade of my life that i'm proud of.  some small... like running 1/2 marathons.  some bigger.  sometimes i wonder if i've almost turned these big dreams into a game for myself. 

let's see... if i can just set this bar a little higher... what would happen?

so it's not surprising that i would be this way about having our child as well.  in fact, i started with some of these lofty goals before we were even considering starting our family.  about two years ago, i watched a documentary (The Business of Being Born) and decided that i needed to try giving birth naturally (without medication).  (Damn documentaries... always getting you to change the way you think!) 

besides, i believe that God created our bodies to bring children into the world.  and although He didn't design it pain-free... He did give our bodies the ability to do it.  plus, women have been doing it without drugs for thousands of years.  so i would personally like to try to experience something so pivotal in a woman's life without numbing it.  i don't care about what other people do when they give birth.  heck, start your IV's and epidurals the day you find out your pregnant for all i care.  this is something i want to do for myself. 

of course, the minute i saw those two little pink lines on the pregnancy test i had an immediate thought... (and almost a relapse)

well... more like 4 of them... at once.

1) holy crap!  i'm pregnant!

2) how am i going to tell my husband?!?!  i totally wasn't prepared to do this!  i want to be one of those cool wives that does it some cool way!

3) holy crap!  i'm pregnant!

4) OH CRAP AGAIN!!!  NOW I ACTUALLY HAVE TO GO THROUGH WITH THE WHOLE NATURAL CHILD BIRTHING THING!  *insert fearful expletives here*

i've had about 9 months to work on the fearful part of this endeavor.  although, i must admit, hearing other people tell me their horrific labor stories doesn't always help my cause.  plus, there are the girlfriends (and i love you ALL dearly) who wish me luck with that look in their eyes like "we'll see if THAT happens!" 

i almost wrote my dear friend, lynette, a thank you note the other day... because instead of patting me on the back with the typical "good luck" bit, she declared rather matter of factly "you are so strong.  i know you'll be able to do it!"  exactly the perfect words i needed to hear!  in fact, after i'm done typing this... i might just still write her a note.  her words of encouragement let me know that the bar i set was attainable rather than  a reach for something absurd!  plus... she believes in me.  (and i'm aware, my dear people who love me so much, that she's not the only one... but her words came at just the right moment, if you know what i mean).

another goal i've set is to cloth diaper.  this also hasn't reaped words of encouragement from many a folk.  i know it's because they have been in the motherhood trenches themselves and they KNOW (as do the disposable diaper companies) that disposable diapers are worth the extra cost because they are so convenient.  i am well aware of this... and, honestly,  have worried that i might get sucked into the convenience pitfall. 

again, i had one friend, Erika, who successfully cloth diapered and helped encourage me when others were shaking their heads with disbelief.  she helped me research and talked to me about how i needed to stick with it for 1 month before giving up... because she says it will get harder before it gets easier. but her success story and encouragement are enough to keep my little boat afloat.

and then kjaer and i visited a little cloth diaper store in february, the giggling green bean, and attended a cloth diapering class. (yes, i'm beginning to realize that kjaer and i are those nerdy parents who research and attend classes... i mean, really, a diaper class?)  once i saw those cute little wool diaper covers (for nighttime use), i was a goner.  i mean... who wouldn't want to diaper their child in this?



i dare you to argue with me!








so we have officially invested a few hundred dollars on diapers to be used with all of our children.  all told, i think we will have spent around $700 getting everything (diapers, covers, wet bags and reusable wipes).  but, statistics show that families spend $2000 a year per child on diapers and wipes.  so even if kjaer and i have only 2 kiddos... we're talking a savings of about $7000! 

so yes, a lofty goal... not a convenient one.  but one that i think is financially good for our family (and good for the earth).  besides, disposable diapers have only been around for 40 years.  so... again, i think we can manage since millions of others have traversed this path before us. 

(i do have a friend who keeps telling me how disgusting it is that i'm cloth diapering... because she thinks it's gross.  but kjaer installed a diaper sprayer/bidet in our munchkins bathroom two weekends ago, so i'm hoping this will take away the ick factor!)

on a side note:  seriously, i have the best husband!

the last bar i have set for myself is to breastfeed for a year without supplementing with formula.  i've been surprised at people's reactions to this. my girlfriends who have recently had children are very supportive of this.  they may think my unmedicated child birthing goal is unnecessary or my diapering goal is inconvenient... but almost every mother i've met has been on board with the breast milk thing.  it's surprised me the few people who haven't been as supportive.

well, let me rephrase that.

they think they're being supportive... but in my hormonal brain i feel like they are setting me up for failure.  they say things like, "don't be disappointed if you can't breastfeed, formula does the same thing, blah, blah, blah."  like they think they know i'm going to fail, so they'd better help me feel OK with failing before i actually do fail. 

but again, God created my body to produce milk (which is by far better than formula) to feed my own child.  i'm not doubting my ability... why should anyone else?  do i know that it's not always easy?  you betcha!  but women have been doing it for thousands of years... why can't i? 

in fact, in our breastfeeding class, our lactation consultant talked about how the "struggle" to breastfeed is really only a phenomenon in the united states.  an interesting fact when you think about it. 

yes, i have high hopes.  ones that aren't as convenient as the modern day marvels that are so readily available.  but each of these three things is a challenge that i have given myself with the expectation to complete to the best of my ability.  am i aware that i might fail?  certainly!  but do i plan on doing my best to succeed?  absolutely.

because, if i've learned anything over the past few years of my life... it's that the higher i set the bar for myself and meet those goals, the more i believe in myself as a person.  and the victory is so much sweeter if you do it when nobody thought you could.

PS... i just had to share... who can resist this little bathrobe?  seriously!  i'm taking it to the hospital with me for when "times get tough" during labor as a focal point and a reminder of what kjaer and i have to look forward to!

PPS - i have to publicly state that my husband has been my biggest partner and cheerleader in setting and hopefully keeping these three goals.  his love, encouragement and support, especially when i freak out,  (i mean, come on... i'm loaded to the brim with hormones) have been the gasoline in my tank! thanks husband!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

brothers from another mother

2001 was a big year for me... for many of us.  i graduated from college, bought my first place and started looking at graduate schools.  i was also in the midst of exiting a season of my life that was marked with depression and just all-around not goodness.  when i moved back to denver, i considered it a fresh start.   so... why not get a dog?  all through college i had wanted one.  i have always had a dog growing up and being apart from the family dogs during college just made my desire grow.  when i got my first place i decided it was time for a dog.

i went to the Denver Dumb Friends League and promptly made my way over to the puppy wing.  i don't remember much about that day.  just that towards the end of my visit, i came to a glassed in cage with a litter of puppies that had been recently moved from New Mexico.  they were a wild little bunch... wrestling and squirming all over each other.  little warm chocolate bodies wiggling to and fro.  and then... another little puppy caught my eye.  he was in the corner of the kennel by himself... and he was blonde... or buff as the experts like to say.  i loved him immediately.  i put my hands up on the glass and said, "that's him... that's trooper."  

yes, i named him before i even owned him.  i think you're learning this about me.  i name things... like my ring, my car, my husbands car and a puppy i didn't even own.

well, i promptly went out to the front office and i bought that little puppy.  they had called him lucious... which just sounded a little too much like lucifer to me... but i suppose it didn't really matter... because his name was trooper now.  

although the lucifer-ish name should've probably tipped me off... now that i think about it.

10 weeks old
i expected to come home with my sweet, sleepy little puppy and that we would cuddle and nap all day long.  but, after about an hour or so, trooper's true puppy colors came out.  apparently when i saw him, he was recovering from being fixed and had been sedated.  the REAL trooper was not the sleepy little wallflower i thought i had stumbled across.  the REAL trooper was a whirlwind of a dog.  a tornado of sharp puppy teeth and a boat load of spunk.  trooper damaged many an object in those early days... sure, he potty trained quickly, but that was about it.  we were the worst pair in his puppy kindergarten class at the Aurora Rec Center.  i think they graduated us just so they wouldn't have to have us go through the program for a second time.  he unstuffed a couch i owned, ripped up carpet, destroyed my glasses, chewed up my Bible from my parents.  he and i, we were a mess.  i was insecure and trying to figure myself out, and my puppy was ruler of the universe... or shall i say tyrant.  

but through it all, i loved that dog more than anything.  it was a mother's love.  even though he had boundless energy and erred on the destructive side, he was loyal and loved me from the tippy tops of his satellite dish ears down to his little skinny paws.  

the more confident i became as i outgrew my awkward self (was college like middle school for anyone else but me out there?) the better trooper and i worked together.  he outgrew the chewing phase by the time he was two and when he was about 4 i decided i should probably exercise him more than i was.  besides, i was planning a trip to israel that included hiking 6-10 miles a day and needed to train myself.  we started running...

here is where trooper blossomed.  i had finally found something that satisfied the poor animal.  i'm only sorry that he and i didn't take on running sooner.  it would've done us both good. 

trooper has walked me through my highs and lows over the past 11 years... 9/11, losing 50 pounds, finishing my Master's Degree, my first shaky year as a teacher, my first (and, sadly, second) student death, my daddy's cancer and death, meeting and falling in love with kjaer, getting married... 

let's just say, that sturdy little blonde body has been cried upon and laughed upon for just about every event in the past decade.  he was always by my side and i always wanted him there because he was and is my furry little angel. 

he wasn't a furry little angel to others though.  they mostly found his endless energy annoying.  like any good mother, i would defend him to the death.  when kjaer came into the picture, trooper wasn't too sure he could share me.  if we would hug, he would bark.  actually... come to think of it... he still does sometimes.  i think trooper made kjaer seriously consider if he REALLY wanted to marry me.  

luckily, i was able to outshine the fuzzy little creature that threatened my future with my charming personality and good looks.

kjaer and i were married in 2010 and there was a period of adjustment.  when you get a puppy in your early 20's... you don't really think about the repercussions of having it sleep on your bed.  you just think it's so cute and helpless and you would just DIE if you couldn't hold that warm little furball close to you... so you lift the whimpering little creature onto your bed in the darkness of your bedroom... and the rest is history.  

but even though trooper and i fit in a queen sized bed together during my single days... the addition of a 6'4" man complicated the mattress real estate in our household.  i can't even tell you how many nights kjaer and i have lost sleep because of my bed-hog-dog.  but we figure... he's almost 11 years old now... what's the point?  so we've simply resolved that our next dog is not allowed on the bed.  

you live, you learn, right?

by the way, i say "we" but i think deep down kjaer has it in him to be the disciplinarian and train trooper to sleep on the floor.  i think he is just avoiding the tears and whines and moans that would be exhaled from his wife in that situation.

kjaer has always liked dogs... but for as long as i've known him, he has LOVED cats.  he melts for cats the way some chics do for babies... his eyes get all mushy and i can almost hear an "awwwww" from underneath his manly exterior.  his parents had his childhood cat up until summer of 2010, when they finally laid Hobbes to rest.  it was a terrible day for kjaer and his family.  i can't even imagine... seeing as how the slightest thought in the direction of losing my little trooper pooper scooper makes my eyes swell with tears.  

a month later we were back to school and i get an email from my husband.  it read, "there's been a lil' cat hanging around here all morning.  i'm suddenly able to understand your puppy craze.  it's all i can do to not bring him home."  I kind of smiled at his email and kept going about my business with my class.  the next email came across within the hour... it was a picture of this scrawny little kitten, the exact same color as trooper... and even spookier, it looked like what i pictured hobbes would've looked like as a kitten.  same color and markings... except it was skinny and you could tell it had been living as a stray.  it was pretty darn cute.

i had my reservations though. first of all, i had developed an allergy to cats somewhere around high school.  they made me itch, sneeze, wheeze and get all congested.  people who aren't allergic to cats always think that people who are allergic to cats are making this up.  it can be rather annoying to convince someone that, yes, you really do feel like crap when you pet a furry, sweet little googly eyed kitten. 

by the way,  i see all of you non-allergic people rolling your eyes and i'm aware of this discrimination, just so you know!!!

kjaer and i talked after school that day over the phone.  the cat had been hanging around in a bush outside his art room all day, and when the door would open, it would always find its way into him.  i could tell it had weaseled its way into the very corner of kjaer's heart.  we talked about my allergies and kjaer felt bad about the possibility of me sniffling for the next 20 years.  i left the decision up to him because i love my husband and could treat my allergies with clariton like everyone else...  plus, the furball fit my one kitty criteria... he had to purr like a freight train.   kjaer came home empty handed.

i think it's the only time i've seen him sulk. 

he came in, sat down on our basement stairs and looked at me with misery in his eyes.  he couldn't stop thinking about his newest acquaintance... out on the crossroads of colfax and havana, defending himself against the gangs, violence and homeless people who threatened him.  even though kjaer had made the decision to leave him there, i finally said, "go back and get him... if he's still there, it's meant to be," if anything, to cheer to poor fellow up.  actually, i was afraid if i didn't, my husband would never recover. 

and that's how we got trooper's brother, Quincy... (or q-tip, quinn, "Q", Quinskers... you choose)

now trooper has always chased and barked at any creature that is not a dog.  in fact, i swear when i type the word squirrel, i can see his ears stand at attention like they do when anyone utters the word.  so when quincy came in the door, trooper's hackles bristled and he let out one low growl.  kjaer set quincy in front of troopers nose, firmly told trooper "no" and that was the end of that.  they've been BFF's ever since.

quincy is the first pet kjaer and i got together.  unlike kjaer's adopted son, troop-a-loop, quincy was brought under this roof when we were already a family.  it took us two weeks to name the poor little rascal.  kjaer thought we should name him Emelio... but he wanted us to say it like this, "EMEEEEEEELLIOOOOO!"  i thought tater tot was cute.  soon, i started naming streets around our beloved city and we landed on Quincy.  we both looked at each other and that was that.  fitting for a cat found on the streets of aurora (just much shadier ones!)  

on a side note, i hope you're not worried that this will be our process for naming our child.  i don't think we can bear the thought of having to stay an extra two weeks in the hospital because we can't think of a name.  so if we come home with a son named Emelio or a daughter named Tater Tot, just smile, nod and tell us they are the most beautiful, creative names you've ever heard of for children.  

now quincy has been just as fun as trooper when he was a kitten... though not quite as destructive.  that first night home, kjaer left him in our sun room while i tutored a little boy so that he could run to the local pet store and buy kitty cat things (litter, food, litterbox).  my little pupil and i kept hearing those funny kitten yowls and turned to look out into the screened in room.  there was quincy, glued to the screen about 3 feet up, staring at me and sobbing the most pitiful meow he could muster.  it was quite pathetic.

quincy has also been known to get himself into some predicaments... which trooper would NEVER do.  quincy had been found, several times as a kitten, on top of our roof.  of course, this always happened when i was supposed to be leaving for work.  instead, i ran around like a frantic mother calling to him while he navigated his way down.  he also, amazingly, gets into our attic somehow.  this, we have never quite figured out because he takes different routes each time.  all we know is that if we haven't seen him in a few hours, and we go out to the garage and call him, we'll hear a faint little meow from above.  kjaer gets the ladder and plays firefighter while i cheer him on.  

he did this a few weeks ago when kjaer was out of town.  my very pregnant self was trying to figure out if i could possibly climb a ladder and balance on rafters to free our little furball.  after placing a few phone calls to my firefighter brother, i went out into the garage and he'd made it down by himself.  sniff, sniff... my boy's growin' up!

quincy's latest trick is when i pull into the garage after coming home from work. if it's been a nice day, quincy has been out and about patrolling the neighborhood (his favorite pastime besides napping).  he'll hear the garage door and run into the garage as i pull in.  the minute the engine dies, he'll hop up on my hood and stare at me through the windshield.  already my mother reflexes have me panicking!  why is he so comfortable around cars?  what is wrong with this cat?  BUT THEN, i'll get out of the car and push the button to close the garage door... Quincy the acrobat jumps onto the roof of my car and the up onto the descending garage door as it folds back down.  talk about a mother having a meltdown.  i quickly pound the garage door button and freeze it as my beloved feline looks down on me from above like, what's the problem mom?  i was just having a little fun!

but quincy and trooper are always my favorite little duo together.  whether it's when quincy is napping and trooper comes and shoves his nose on his head just to smell his little brother and give him kisses, or when quincy instigates an epic game of tag on the hardwood floors. the two of them keep us in stitches!

a couple of weeks ago i heard kjaer burst into laughter from our living room.  i called down to him to see what was so funny.  apparently quincy had been stalking trooper, jumped on his back and rode him around like a cowboy on a bull.

i can't even tell you how many times we've found those two snuggled together, trooper resting his big ol' doggie head across quincy's back, quincy purring away like a freight train.   since i'm writing this during my night owl time... i have trooper snoring in his doggie bed, and quincy sitting regally on a chair snoozing.  as i watch both of them, i think we couldn't have made a better decision.  trooper has company while we're away at work, quincy has something to hone his hunting and stalking skills on.  

this morning, as i tossed and turned in my bed...  i was surrounded by my little animal kingdom.  quincy at my feet (why do cats gravitate towards people with allergies?) and trooper at my side.  it's amazing that there's room for all of kjaer, let alone a very pregnant me, with those two.  sometimes i wonder how in the world we're going to squeeze children into our bed after a scary dream.  but i guess that's yet to come.  

what i can say is, in the midst of our growing family, those two will always be a special part of it. they bring so much laughter and joy into our lives.  people say things change with your animals once you have munchkins... which i guess is understandable.  it's so hard to imagine though, especially when trooper has been an only child of sorts for 11 years with me. but i hope and pray that as we love on our new little creature (4 more days until baby k is due!) that our fuzzier sons embrace him or her... and also, that we won't forget our loyal boys who've stuck by us through thick and thin. 





Thursday, March 15, 2012

the last supper(s)...

was sitting in the living room of a very dear friend and some of her girlfriends the other weekend, talking babies, of course.  no one can be within a 10 foot radius of me right now without talking about babies.  it's probably the large belly that proudly protrudes from my frame, which is barely recognizable at this point. so don't worry... i don't blame anyone...


regardless, each woman was telling me her tales of glory and woe on being a mother, cheering me on and encouraging me.  i sat there with my glass of ice water (no mimosa's for me!) and took mental notes from these wise ladies.  in my book... they are already heroes.  they are doing what i imagine i'll be doing in a few short weeks (t-minus 3 1/2 weeks) with gusto, and doing it brilliantly.  they've made it through the newborn phase and have successfully reared children above the age of one.  some of them have even raised TWO of them. 

Lord, have mercy.

one girl recounted her 64 hour labor process (PLEASE GOD NO!) while another talked about how her babies practically shot out of her.  they laughed and talked and smiled and boasted about their children and their husbands.  it was very inspiring.

one girlfriend of mine talked about how she was 10 days late before finally being induced.  she smiled and said, "my husband and i kept having 'last suppers' together."  we all chuckled...

and then i realized that's exactly what kjaer and i have been doing. 

well...

i've been the instigator and he has been my partner in crime... if only to avoid the wrath of a hungry pregnant woman.  but also because his wife moans about every three or four days that we need to enjoy this now before our lives totally change!!!

the other night my handsome man took me to maggiano's for a little gnocchi dish that we split.  the food was superb, but the date was divine.  i had forgotten, in the midst of our growing excitement/stress how i love to date my husband.  we sat and talked and cuddled and smiled.  it was absolutely perfect, except that we were both too full to have a little desert.  oh well, there will be other times... just not in the next couple of months i'm sure.

for lunch we visited the five star establishment of mcdonald's, which has been frequented about once a month since i started incubating a little hungry creature in the depths of my gut.  we probably visited for the last time in quite awhile, because after baby k is born, i will have to cut this monthly endeavor out of my diet.  but this is another one of those "lasts," so we went.   this time kjaer set our tray down at a booth and while he was up getting extra pickles for his burger, i slyly moved the tray to another table because i found I COULD NO LONGER FIT IN THE BOOTH.  ok... while this is a slight exaggeration, i knew the moment had come where i can no longer force myself to sit in a booth because my belly almost touches the table and it's so uncomfortable.  it was definitely a first in my lifetime... but i had to look at it from the bright side.  at least the reason i couldn't fit in the booth WASN'T because i eat too much mcdonalds.

this next weekend i'm looking forward to another incredible meal at the melting pot with one of our favorite couples.  i started to get really nervous that they were going to seat us in a booth... as in, my heart started to palpitate.  i finally called them and laughingly asked that they seat us at a table that had at least one chair.  the hostess on the other end of the phone wished me congratulations and told me they could accommodate me (and my belly) and they'd see me on friday night.

it's funny how anticipating huge life changes can cause you to go out and do some "lasts."  in reality, it's quite the dramatic overkill.  i mean, will kjaer and i frequent nice restaurants in our future?  of course!  it just feels like everything as we know it is over.  

of course, my whining has surrounded alone time with kjaer and fancy restaurants (yes, i know mcdonalds is not fancy... it's just a guilty pleasure).  now i find myself, in my spare time, making lists of places i would like to visit before our little one comes.  who knows if it'll happen, but this is the time to try.  (actually, i should have done this earlier in our pregnancy when i could still fit comfortably in a romantic, cozy booth).  

but the truth is, we will do this again.  

the reality is that lives go on... whether it is because of new life or death.  looking back to 3 years ago, when my dad passed away from cancer, i remember thinking life would never be the same.  i thought surely i would take my last breath because of the heartache.  i was sure it was the last time i was ever going to be happy.  the last time our family was whole and complete.  but those lasts weren't true.  first of all, in spite of the sorrow, i kept breathing... one day at a time.  though there is a definite hole that only my daddy can fit into, my life has been full of happiness since his passing.  and my immediate family has doubled in size with two new wonderful sister-in-laws, and five nieces and nephews! (not to mention my bliss in having a wonderful husband and pip squeak on the way). so, even though my family doesn't look the same as it did three years ago, it reflects the joy that my small family of five enjoyed before my daddy left us.  (daddy would've been so proud!)  on top of that, i've been accepted into kjaer's family... which brings more love and happiness from all angles.  

the only lasts that were permanent, were the moments spent with my sweet daddoo before he died.  and they're not really permanent.  i plan on seeing him again one day... i'll just have to wait a little longer than i would for, say, a really fancy dinner at my favorite restaurant. 

but for now... i think that even though i know these aren't really my last suppers, i'll keep milking it for all it's worth.  sometimes we just need to acknowledge those feelings of last-ness even though we know to our cores that last = we'll just have to wait awhile.  

as the clock keeps ticking, kjaer and i get more excited/nervous/anxious to meet our little one.  people throw around the ol', "enjoy your _____ while it lasts!" and we find ourselves getting annoyed... probably because we're hyper aware of the change that is about to occur and we don't need it spelled out for us.  but i think also because we know in our guts that this isn't the end of all things.

it's just the beginning.

and i can raise a glass (filled to the brim with a shirley temple) to that.